*yes, i know i've gotten myself in this mess. 2002-07-04 2:53 p.m.*

yesterday did not improve. well, it had some good moments. i talked to my mom for a long time and that was good, and buffy was on on a wednesday so that was exciting, and i read some good stuff. but yeah, my, um, rent check to john apparently bounced, which sucks a whole bunch since i don't get paid again for another 11 days, and i still need to get shoes for the wedding and a gift and food for my cat, all of these things before my next paycheck. i went to bed last night before i would even have gotten home from work. my head was busy and flaming and sleepyconfused, and my body was sore. but my brain just kept going and going. i just lay there and worried about my money and my life for at least an hour. i'm going through my stuff now and seeing what i have that's valuable so i can sell it on maybe ebay or something. i emailed a collector about my four mint in box barbies last night. i really don't understand how i'm this broke. i'm working more hours for more money than i was over the school year, and my spending habits have been very much curbed. but yeah, my credit card is too full to fall back on, and it's gotten to the point where the charges are faster than the payments, so i'm not even making a dent in it. as each paycheck looms, i promise in my head certain amounts of it to my credit cards, and then bills come up, and taxes come out, and i have less for them than i meant and it's very circular and hamstery, and i have to take out another loan for next semester. so when i leave, i'm going to have $12,000 in credit card and loan debt.

isn't it lovely? but yeah, i need to not be sitting right now. my ovaries feel like they're clawing to get out, and i need to just be laying down.

(addendum, 8:37pm:

john bought me cat food! he asked if i wanted to go grocery shopping, but since i'm in the negative, i just sent him to the grocery store with my last $4.

good thing i stayed home, though, because i spent that most of the time he was gone puking up the tea i'd had earlier. it's really weird puking tea, i have to say. stupid evil cramps, yo.)

*listening to: *
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