*You grab him up by his skinny tail and carry him off, that's what you do. 2001-11-23 12:41 p.m.*

stupid stupid burns on my hands are peeling and they hurrrrrt! and they look really horrible in a "why is the next layer of my skin yellow?" kind of way...

anyway... i had a nightmare last night. in this new theme that is becoming sort of recurring. okay, so it's only the 2nd time i've had a dream like this, but it's enough for me to be concerned about heterophobia, and also if all the characters in dreams are representatives of oneself, the whole "am i getting to girly in my old age" thing that's been running around in my brain lately.

but yeah, in this dream, all my friends and i were in some sort of camp or something, that wasn't new college. and there was also this guy who was british and pierce brosnan-like. it wasn't pierce brosnan in my dream, but i think it was some actor i've seen recently. anyway, he and i were talking, and he was all charming and funny, and i was laughing at his jokes, when suddenly it hit me that he wanted to marry me. when i told him i was gay, he went crazy and tried to kill me and all my friends.

i had another dream, about a week ago, with very similar circumstances, except with the doorman from happiness. which i guess is understandable, because that's a low-grade version of what did happen. but i didn't chop him up or anything like that. just woke up terrified for my life. and concerned about any latent prejudices i have. why the hispanic man was the bad guy.

but yeah, there's still a little bit of this part of me that's afraid that i'm just a straight girl who wants to be gay 'cause it's different or trendy or whatever. or that i'm bisexual and "cutting out one of my options," that the whole thing is based on fear.

it's not as big of an issue as it was before i had sex for the first time. after that it was like, "well, yes, this is perfect. this is what it's supposed to be like." and my love of vaginas far outweighed my dislike of penises, and i didn't feel so afraid of me anymore. so why the dreams?

and especially why the dreams when i had such a nice "i will read myself to sleep" time with mercer mayer and maurice sendak and fraggle books and stephen cosgrove. and a fun project i'm working on related to holiday presents. gluey fingers can be so satisfying.

*listening to: *
<<< | >>>

*<<<<<* *<<* *<* | *>* *>>* *>>>>>*
*random* *list*