*she's a ray of sunshi-ee-ine. 2002-05-02 1:57 a.m.*

what a night. beh. i mean, not really a bad night, just... i'm so tense. it's incredible how tense i am. i'm not sure if it's because my body is tense that i'm so easily angered or if my internalized anger is why my body is so tense, but i'm tense and pissy, and i don't like it.

today was tech rehearsal, and that was a pretty uneventful time, with two notable exceptions:

1) i was sitting on the floor in front of michael and she started poking me with her feet. i think she was trying to get my attention or bug me in a teasing way, but oh my god, it felt incredible. i made some sort of pleasure-noise and so she started rubbing my shoulders, whispering in my ear, "you're so tight," which made me laugh really hard, but then she hit another spot that was super tense, and so i made another very sexual noise. and then she asked if i wanted her to try and do some floor work, so i flopped down on the floor and she straddled my butt and started working on my shoulders. buttercup and alongcame and michael herself were all making me laugh really hard with their comments on how sexual i sounded, and i was pretty amused that she was sitting on my butt and it looked like we were having some sort of intense sexual experience on the auditorium floor. it was a nice massage, but only really made me realize how badly my body needs a full on massage. hopefully there will be time for one from james tomorrow.

2) before we did our run through i realized that i really didn't want to wear michael's hoodie because it would make me warm, so i left it on the couch on the side of the auditorium i came in on. but after we went through it, i forgot about it and started following the rest of the group out of the one door. note: our shoes originally had rubber soles, but they were impossible to dance in, so alongcamea took those off and sewed on cloth soles. so halfway across the stage, i remembered the hoodie, and turned around and started to run across the stage. except yeah, cloth soles, no traction. complete and utter cartoon moment. i ran in place for a few seconds, and then one foot slipped out from under me and i fell to the floor. i slipped around and finally stood up. i tried to run again, because i'm not very bright, and fell again. at that point i felt like just laying on the stage until someone dragged me off, i felt so helpless and embarassed, but i made it up one last time, and giggled as i heard retro's giggles. i'm not sure who else witnessed it. i actually don't think a lot of people did. but now my ankles a little angry, my knee is saying "what the fuck? why do you hate me bitch?" but otherwise no real damage. i still have all my teeth and toes.

i came home and was going to make shortbread, and was kind of gathering the ingredients as i went. i put the butter in, realizing that i'd need a stick for each batch i made, and put the flour in, with half cups because i couldn't find a whole cup, and was about to mix them together when i glanced at the recipe again and realized that i needed vanilla as well. nathan and john were both downstairs and we were having a pleasant chat, but when i grabbed the vanilla and realized that not only had my bottle of vanilla mysteriously disappeared, the one bottle we had left was empty even though it had been put on the back of the stove, i just flipped. i threw the bottle (plastic) across the kitchen. john said, "woah," and i said, "sorry, it was empty," and then i started going on this mini tirade about the state of the kitchen and how much i hate it, and i was just trying to hold back tears as i put everything i was using in the fridge and went upstairs where i just cried and cried and was in general very miserable for a few minutes. i curled up on my bed and thought about how much i overreacted and how much i can't wait to get away from our kitchen for good and just all kinds of miserableness, and my kitten licked my toes, and then john knocked on my door. he'd just imed me asking if i wanted to go buy vanilla at kash 'n' karry and he would pick up a few things, so i went with him, and got my vanilla as well as some really greasy food to make myself feel better, and then i came home, baked a shortbread, ate greasy food, and watched the frontier house. but now i'm going to go put my absurdly tense body to bed, and hopefully tomorrow i can deal with life like a human being and not a firecracker with a short fuse. wish me luck on that.

*listening to: *
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