*rock star satan 2001-04-26 11:48 a.m.*

my mouth tastes like a sour mix of cheez curls, mondo blue juice, and i just woke up mouth. that's what happens when satan doesn't go to class.

satan woke up this morning about 10 minutes before the alarm went off, and said, "shit, it's cold in here," and couldn't get the blankets to cover her correctly so when the alarm went off she said, "i have in no way had enough sleep. fuck you genesis class that i can only miss one more time. this is going to be the one more time." so she reset the clock to wake her up for the kierkegaard and tillich class, but when it tried she called it nasty names. then she decided that since she was missing the 2 classes she rarely misses she should, ethically, miss her other 2, because she didn't want to give them precedence, even though she's missed them more times now probably than she's actually gone to them.

this is what happens when one takes 6 fucking classes, but none of them are about fucking. except maybe ethical theory, but that's just because the professor's way hot.

anyway, the plan for this entry was to talk about people...

i guess i'll start with the person who got me started in this whole diaryland obsession and that would be heather/lisa frank. when i first came to new college, i think she may have been the first person i had a crush on. and it lasted probably my entire first year. it wasn't even a really big crush, because i was so scared of her. when i have crushes on people i like to think that we might be able to actually engage in a real conversation, but i decided that anything i could possibly find to say would seem dumb to her. part of this was because she was older. i had a really big issue with "the older kids" when i came to new college. they all seemed so confident and i'd just gotten out of high school where i'd been properly trained in the art of self-loathing. anyway, two of my roommates really really liked each other. and maybe they were getting together maybe not i didn't care it was their business i was just glad they were happy. because when they were together they were incredibly happy and if they didn't want to label why they were so happy that was their business. but something that lisa frank said really hurt them. i don't know what it was entirely or anything, but in my eagerness to defend my roommates i decided that i didn't like her anymore.

but then i kept seeing her in all kinds of random places, and i really wanted to make amends or whatever, but i was too scared of her to talk to her. but i started talking to all kinds of people, even tsk about how i realized that my fears were unfounded and unhealthy etc. and then i discovered heatherstrip and i became "person," but that turned out entirely different from how i had planned it. i really wanted it to be a healthy thing, a way to figure out where my issues came from, but really i just wound up with more issues. my emails to her were this weird stalkery insecure character, and i'm not like that. and i quickly got bored with pretending to be like that. and she quickly got bored with tolerating that, and that was the end of that whole thing.

of course i still read her journal, how can you stop once you've started, it's so addicting. but i dunno. there's still something about her that i'm terrified of. the other night at the wall, though, convulsive dancing math boy was dancing in his very him way and she and most of the rest of those indie kids were laughing at him, and i just wanted to scream at them, like in some heartwarming fun for the whole family movie, "he's more himself than you will ever be yourselves. he may be weird, but at least he's okay with that!"

but i didn't, but i did wind up having a wonderful conversation with my favorite dork about the whole situation.

but anyway, i'm in the middle of one of my super-confident, i don't give a shit what anyone thinks of me because both beau sia and jill sobule think i'm a rock star and i spend time with the earth mother goddess (who ironically enough is, i discovered, the person who gave lisa frank "the book") who makes everyone else feel like the earth mother goddess, and fuck it i'm happy phases, so it's all good. i don't want to have issues with this girl, because i don't like having issues with people, but i'm not going to stress about her any more. *laughs* which might just end the issues.

i also wanted to talk in this entry about jennifer connelly in the labyrinth if she grew up and got cool. she reads this and she thinks i'm a rock star, too. she doesn't think i know she reads this or has a diaryland diary, but i'm obsessed with seeing if anyone links to me, and so i checked and she does. anyway. she's way cool. i love spending time with her. and what's particularly cool is watching her become herself, i.e. leaving her room and eating food in public and just seeming generally more happy. that makes me really happy. and she's beautiful and she has beautiful hair and she has a beautiful voice and what sounds like a fantastic boy. and traditionally, i'd be way jealous of said fantastic boy, but i'm not. i'm so proud of me! i'm friends with this fabulous beautiful girl and i'm not killing myself with crush on her. it's just all warm and cozy and good and friend-y.

but now i'm thinking about the girl who i do have an eat my heart out because of her existence kind of crush on, but i can't think of a code name for her and this entry has taken me 2 hours to write because i took a lunch break and i do need to read tillich.

bye, kids.

*listening to: *
<<< | >>>

*<<<<<* *<<* *<* | *>* *>>* *>>>>>*
*random* *list*