*mock orange. 2001-05-17 9:00 p.m.*

Mock Orange

She had worship in her soul. Some days, it felt like that was all she was made

for--worshiping and idolizing. It was like this world was just so beautiful, and

she was its humble, ever so humble servant.

She was supposed to be a Christian. She was a good girl, wore a gold cross

with a little dead Jesus on it. She went to church every Sunday and spent the

whole sermon, sometimes, looking at the beautiful stained-glass windows. A

God who was served by such beautiful images must be beautiful. Sometimes,

though, the beautiful images of Christ would distract her away from the sermon.

She knew this was bad and unChristian, and she would get very angry at

herself. There were times she would leave her beautiful church with an ugly,

big, black-and-blue bruise on her arm from where she had pinched it for the rest

of the sermon.

The next day, Monday, she would go to school, wearing long sleeves, even if

it was late May. She would go and sit in the back of the room and draw all over

her notebooks, keeping one ear on the teacher and letting her mind wander.

Most of her doodles were of the girl next to her. She was gorgeous in that

I-wish-they-all-could-be-California-girls kind of way-- very tan, very blonde,

very beautiful.

It seemed like all through school, this girl-- Summer was her name-- had

been beautiful. Beautiful inside and out, which was why Summer would never

notice her, unless to remind her of what a filthy person she was.

Sometimes, she would go home and wash and wash and wash and wash, but

once she got out of the shower, it was like she was filthy again. Maybe if she

didn't have a mirror, she wouldn't have felt quite so dirty. But in the mirror,

there was an ugly girl with dirty blonde hair and then of course there was the

fat. She was fat, which was a sign of gluttony, another example of the filth in

her soul.

She wanted to be thin. She wanted to be so thin that people would look at her

and worry and whisper to each other that she must be anorexic. Under her bed,

she had piles of pictures of models, all looking like beautiful corpses. That was

the beauty she wanted to have. Then, she could cut her hair. She would get it

cut and bleached. It would look like she had cut it herself with the kind of

clippers that gardeners used, but she would be able to pull it off. She would be

beautiful with such an ugly haircut, because she would be just such a beautiful

person to begin with.

Or maybe she would shave her head. She loved to see models with shaved

heads or hair just starting to grow out. She told herself it was a tribute to people

who had died in the Holocaust. It was one of the most beautiful gestures she

could think of and she wanted to be beautiful enough to do something like that.

But generally, she just spent most of her time being miserable. She just

couldn't be cheerful for other people, so she would do other good deeds, like

things she hated to do, cheerfully. Some days, she would go in the bathtub and

shave every part of her except her head, because she would look ugly with short

hair. She hated shaving. It took all her willpower to shave her legs, but she did

it every morning because people who were beautiful shaved their legs.

Other times, she would completely scour the house from top to bottom,

another thing she hated to do. And she would smile as she did it, and tell

herself she was enjoying it, but she really hated it. Sometimes, the hate

overflowed the smiley cheer, and she would cry as she cleaned. But that was

wrong, too, so she would dig her nails deep into her skin until she screamed,

and then go back to her business, sure not to cry again.

At school, she did not have any friends, except her sketchbook. If anyone was

nice to her, she would become terribly flustered, and would act like a fool, and

soon they wouldn't talk to her anymore.

The teachers never had any reason to talk to her. She spent her days at school

drawing pictures of summer days and Summer and sometimes Eddie, but she

would make decent grades. They were at the middle ground between grades

that caused awards and grades that caused talks after class.

Eddie was her best friend and next door neighbor. He was the only one who

really understood what it was to be her, or at least who he thought she as. At

least he could identify with her shyness. He was in college now, but in high

school, he was almost as shy as she was, and so she created herself for him after

that fashion.

That was a talent she had at least with her parents and Eddie. She could turn

herself into whoever they wanted or needed her to be. Except of course for the

weight thing. That was a problem she just couldn't fix. But besides that, for

those three, she was all they wanted or needed.

But at school, she got confused. There were just too many people. Too many

wants and needs, and she just couldn't be what anyone wanted or needed, least

of all herself. She had tried in elementary school, but pretty soon, she just got

teased for her efforts, so she gave up. She still tried to be beautiful, and every

day she dreamed and hoped that someone would think she was beautiful.

Eddie came back from college right around prom. He asked her if she would

want to go. Well, of course she didn't. And he wanted to know why and she

didn't know. So he asked her how about if he asked her and she still didn't

know. And he said that she might regret it if she didn't go, and besides, he

didn't go to his prom and this might be his only chance to go to one, so please!

And she said alright, if she had to. And he said she shouldn't look at it as a

had-to kind of experience, and that she should see it was an opportunity to have

fun. And she said sure, fun, and got a nauseous feeling in her stomach.

When she told her parents she was going to prom, they were ecstatic. They

were always thrilled to see her do things, normal teenage things. And then she

and her mom went dress-shopping.

She saw all sorts of beautiful model dresses that they all looked ugly on her.

She felt like a pig in a corset and she was on the verge of tears after the third

dress.

And then she saw it. This shimmery silvery purply beautiful thing. And she

put it on, and she looked in the mirror and for a second she almost thought she

was pretty.

She pushed that thought out of her mind because it was the vainest thought

she felt anyone could ever begin to think, but at the same time, she knew she had

to get that dress, in the inside hope that she would think that thought again.

The night of prom was a beautiful night, and when Eddie showed up, he was

almost handsome. That was a formidable thought for her because handsome

men were far beyond her league, instead belonging to fairy tale princesses, and

she much preferred cute puppy dog Eddie.

But before she had a chance to think that thought, she saw Eddie's face. His

mouth dropped open. She knew that minute that she was ugly and that he was

disgusted, but she held her tears back.

He told her she was beautiful and she wanted to cry. Up to this point he had

never lied to her, and this blatant, bald-faced lie turned her stomach. But she

kept the smile plastered on her face like she knew he wanted.

At the prom, the first person she saw was Summer, breathtaking in her white

dress. It was like gazing at a heavenly angel. Maybe I'm tasting Heaven, she

said to herself. Maybe that means I get to die soon.

Eddie offered her a penny for her thoughts, and she laughed in her usual

flustered manner and said she was thinking of nothing. But he had a funny look

on his face. She smiled at him and said it was really nothing.

She acted fine for about an hour and then as she was dancing, Summer

brushed against her. Summer smelled like an orange grove in the summer sun.

And then, she danced away.

She was left there with Eddie, feeling very empty. She had citrusy perfume

on, herself, but after Summer's scent faded, she realized that her own scent was

like orange Kool-Aid. It was cheap and disgusting and dirty-sugary-sweet and

she could feel her stomach turning over.

She told herself to forget about it, but the mock orange smell was all she

could think about. Finally, it got to be too much for her and she ran to the

bathroom and threw up. And it felt so cleansing and it was almost like the

vomit smell was comforting because at least it wasn't mock orange.

After a while she got to the point where there was nothing left in her stomach

and she could stop throwing up. She tried to stand up, and slowly she managed

it, though her legs felt like Jello. She staggered to the counter and looked at

herself in the mirror. She wasn't quite sure who she saw. She was so pale and

hollowed out looking that once again she thought she might be beautiful. She

washed her face over and over again to rid herself of the vomit feeling and

found a mint at the bottom of her purse.

When she got out the door, her legs were shaking.

Eddie was waiting outside for her, and when he saw her he said that she

should let him take her home.

He drove her home and walked her to the door.

He asked her if she knew that he had always been in love with her, and she

said no she didn't, and he said that maybe this would show her, and he leaned

over to kiss her, and she pushed him away and reminded him that she had just

spent the last hour in the bathroom, throwing up, and he said he didn't care and

he kissed her.

It was like he was devouring her and she fell against him weakly, the way

fairy tale princesses did. She tried to kiss him back, but she couldn't. She felt

like he was sucking the soul out of her and that now she belonged to him, and so

she told herself that she must be in love with him, as she stood there enduring

his kiss, imagining Summer, and stepping with one high-heeled shoe on the toes

of her other foot so hard that she had a feeling that there would be a bruise

tomorrow.

*listening to: *
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