*it's beyond me, help me mommy. 2001-10-28 11:11 a.m.*

my life is weird. like, i don't think anyone really quite understands how truly bizarre my life is. or maybe just how bizarre it appears to me.

there's so much going on in my head right now that i'm not even sure i can put into words, probably because i really just don't want to. i'm a little frightened of myself these days, not in a "i will hurt myself physically" way, but in a "i will do something really fucked up and dumb" and either not be aware at all, or worse, because it is fucked up and dumb way. i'm afraid of my power to hurt me, and my power to hurt other people.

i was such a royal ass when i was in england. but i had been so hurt that i just really did want to hurt someone else. to prove to myself that i could. that i had some sort of sexual power.

and so like, yeah, post-break-up horniness scares me a whole lot. this morning, number one and i talked about "post-break-up horniness ethics", and her take on it is that "there are none." i should go for the casual sex. i have a hard enough time with the casual making out, and the one post-break-up masturbation session that i've attempted wound up with me sobbing.

but none of this ethical dilemma solves the fact that i just am incredibly horny. and you can tell, because i'm using the word "horny" which is a word i generally just don't identify with. like, i may want sex, and i may want it really bad, but it's not horniness (despite people calling me the horniest thing ever). this is.

meanwhile, ave gave me this backrub last night that involved much ear playing with and some blowing on the neck, while i was tipsy on jack. but it was still a really good night. rocky horror was fun (and our jennifer connelly (who i hope does not dislike herself so much this morning) was so cool in it!) though it did not help in the whole horniness thing. and i had a good time bitching to alongcamea beforehand, and she is now my bestfriend in the whole world for letting me bring my cat food and cat litter home after taking me with her to the grocery store. and i really really like hanging out with oilly and boomer and laurel tree and number one, and even ave was fun (and i can't figure out if that was because of or in spite of the back rub). the boys are such good boys, and yes, the world would be much better if everyone was just like oilly, that naughty snob. and number one is a great deal of fun, and laurel tree is a fabulous cuddler. and it's great having in depth conversations with her.

so yeah, i drank jack last night in sort of a self-destructive mode, and it turned into just a really nice friend night.

but yeah, my life is definitely odd. i went by james' last night to get this alcohol that i'd been meaning to drink for over a month, and always forgot about, and found out that it had been drunk, and i got all snappy about it, which made me feel ridiculous and bad. and then this morning when i got home (i slept in ave's bed again), there were im messages from her about how she felt bad about the alcohol and that she hoped i wasn't mad at her because "life is too hard if i'm mad at her" and it was funny because i'd wanted to apologize to her about it, because really i wasn't remotely mad, just pissy. and so i called her and we had this conversation, and once again i had confidence in our friendship, because we talked pretty freely about a lot of stuff, including post-break-up horniness.

that was something i talked about last night. about how i think in some ways i love her more since the breakup. like, all through the relationship i claimed to not be in love with her, and that i just loved her a whole awful lot. and i just have this great respect for both of us, for being able to break it off. it was a scary thing for me to ask, and i know it was a scary thing to say, "yeah i do want to break up with you," and i really do think that the way she's dealt with it, and with me, has been really good. and i do think i feel my romantic feelings slowly going, but there's still so much warmth and love in my heart for that girl.

but i still got really pissed off in my dream that she was making out with one of her friends, and nervous in waking up from it, because hell, if she broke up with me because she didn't feel like she should be in a relationship, she sure as hell shouldn't be getting in anything else. a) i don't want her to hurt herself or any other parties and b)yeah, i'd be jealous.

*listening to: *
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