*betty crocker decorating icing black, use with betty crocker decorating tips. 2001-11-02 11:02 a.m.*

it's really hard to have someone say something that in some ways basically comes down to, "i broke up with you, because i wasn't good for you." especially when you know that on a lot of levels the relationship was wearing you out. but still so much of you just wants to crawl and beg, "i can handle it! i can!"

and it scares me that i am "getting over it so quickly." because i don't know if i'm actually getting over it, or if i'm bottling it, or if i'm getting over it for her more than for me.

blargy. we had some really good talks yesterday, about the laurel tree situation, and about the breakup in general. i'm glad that we can be so comfortable, and talk about stuff so freely. and i'm glad to know that i didn't suddenly become the most unattractive person ever.

the laurel tree thing continues to be very interesting. she has her own set of troubles, with her grandfather having died, and i really want to cuddle and comfort her like she had been doing for me, because it felt so nice, but now i secondguess a lot of the things i do, feeling like i may be sort of predatory. she's a very sweet girl, and i want to be there for her, in whatever capacity she wants or feels comfortable with, and i really don't want to hurt her with my own current yuck or with anything else. sometimes i can feel like such a sleaze.

meanwhile, people have been shooting guns, and it scares me so much. i can't even look at their bullet-hole filled targets without cringing. i can't even explain why it bothers me so much. i think part of it is just that i've never really been desensitized to violence at all. i hate action movies and action scenes and all that, because when i watch them i can't separate myself from what it would feel like to be at the recieving end of the action. i think it's very much related to the way i feel about meat now. when i became a vegetarian at first, i was tempted by meat a lot, and then one day adam's apple was visiting and was talking about how he can't look at meat in commercials any more, because he can't not see it for what it really is. and i haven't been able to since he said that. and i think this is related. and the idea of myself holding a gun squidges out the same parts of me that squidge out when i hold a knife or when i start a car. i still have a hard time holding a knife without imagining me somehow, on purpose or by accident, plunging it into my chest. and i can't start a car without shaking from all the power i now have in my hands. it scares me a lot. holding power scares me.

and the boys' entries about going to the range scare me, and the idea of them all going again scares me, and i'm actually almost at the verge of tears thinking about it right now, the dorky wimp that i am.

and there's this part of me that just wonders if there's something wrong with me that i don't want to shoot a gun. boomer says that anyone who says they've never wanted to kill someone is lying. i've wanted to kill people, before, but in a very tooth and claw, rip out every single one of their hairs way, not in this weird distant "it was the gun that actually did the killing," way. i think part of what bothers me about holding power in my hands, is because i think it really minimalizes the power a person actually has, if they have to use an intermediary, and i think it takes away a lot of agency and responsibility. but what i was saying about wondering if there's something wrong with me... it really is such a foreign wish to me. i can't understand it at all. but it seems like it's a wish that everyone else has to some degree.

or maybe it's just that it's phallic?

*listening to: *
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