*got to stop spinning : 12-12-99 2001-12-03 7:54 p.m.*
an entry from the "secret journal," and one of the reasons i never wanted my friends to read it. it does make me feel better about where i am now.
You're already in there I'll be wearing your tatoo I'm already in circles and circles and circles again the girl's in circles and circles got to stop spinning circles and circles and circles again thought I was over the bridge now
"Cloud on my Tongue"
by Tori Amos
12-12-99
it's really scary to have the world start pitching and weaving. when your trying to go to sleep, but you can't because your bed keeps moving. when you don't know how you can move without setting the world into motion again.
it's particularly scary when you think it might be your fault. not just some accidental thing, but an on-purpose punishment that went too far... yeah
i hit my head over thanksgiving break. i tell everyone it was when i was at kin's, and i bent over to pick something up in the dark, and met her dresser head on. i did do that, but that wasn't the only time i hit my head.
when we were there, we went to visit many of the east coast of florida's excellent beaches. those experiences with those beaches, with that intense east coast ocean, were indescribable.... the last beach we went to had a lighthouse thing that my friends decided to sneak into. i wanted to play too, but i couldn't. the climbing made me panick. i have a fear of heights that i've "conquered" over and over again, with ropes courses and such like, but the real cause of my fear has not been conquered. i told my friends that i was too weak to hold my body up to climb over the fence. i think i would have made it though, had i not been so frightened of completely giving up and letting myself fall. that's my biggest fear-- not what the elements or whatever will do to me, but what i will do to myself. i could completely see myself holding on up to the top of the fence, when i would have let go... on purpose... to let myself fall to the rocky ground underneath. that's my biggest fear.
but that's selfish. to give up on life, or to take pain that makes other people suffer (like, if i had been hurt and had to go to the hospital), that's unforgivable. that's been ingrained into me since i was a child, and so, i went back to the old ways that i had as a child. i slunk around the corner, and threw myself at that board fence until i felt like a blurry teary mess of tears and pain. and then, i said to myself, "this is foolishness. don't hurt yourself." and so i sulked around the beach, every once in awhile forgetting my admonition long enough for me to try and smash my feet on some rocks, and then i walked out to the water, and stood at the shoreline, and let the vicious waves whip at my feet. i walked a bit further in and had a good argument with mother ocean, and when my friends came back down, i felt fine. all my pent up anger was washed away into that wonderful sea, and i felt like dancing.
except my head ached. i'd done a number to it on that board fence.
so, it almost felt like a blessing to have hit my head on katie's dresser, as a good explanation for the faint bruise that was starting to come up.
i had a headache for a day and a half, until i went to yoga on monday night. i was supposed to do this backbend thing, but i couldn't, and when i came back up, the world was spinning. i'm used to getting dizzy spells when i've been upside down for a bit, so i attributed it to that. and so i wasn't too worried.
but then, i was trying to go to sleep that night, and every time i rolled over, the world took ages to catch up with me. it wasn't fun, and i was starting to get concerned. what had i done to myself!
it started to get more intense the next day, and then finally i was so scared tuesday night that i went to rebecca's, a full confession in mind, to ask her to let me sleep on her floor, because i was scared i would die in my sleep.
except she was busy with homework, and her roommate was there, so i just explained the katie's house story and how i was a little worried, and she let me sleep there (in incidentally, the most comfortable sleeping bag on the planet).
so, the next day i went to the counselling and wellness center and told the nurse that i'd hit my head and been getting dizzy spells ever since. she thought it might be unrelated, but just an inner ear problem. she told me to keep a log of when i got them, and what i did right before. well, i discovered i got dizzy usually if i tilted my head to the back or to the left. she didn't think positional vertigo was related to a head injury, and she prescribed me "antivert", which was antivertigo medecine (made me feel like i was getting sugar pills! ANTIVERT?). um, no. not only did it make the spells worse, but i had an easier time walking with my eyes closed than open because it looked like the ground was further away than it actually was.
so, she had me go to the "real" doctor, related to the counselling and wellness center. that was a surreal experience. the nurse there led me into an office where she took down my symptoms and my blood pressure and all that. and then she left and after awhile, the regular doctor came in. i told him of my symptoms and he did a few checkups and then took me into another room-- identical to the first except for the big "are you having problems keeping an erection?" poster. he did a few more tests (with instruments he brought with him), and then prescribed me VALIUM!
for a second i was convinced that he knew the real reason for my head injury, but that was just silly. the prescription said, "valium, for dizziness." i went and got it, and it was fun reading the side effects, which included drowsiness, headache and dizziness. yay for modern medecine. so, i took it before i went to bed and got a flaming headache and then completely conked out.
so, the next day i made an appointment with the ear nose and throat doctor he had recommended, and went about my business with the dizziness. the appointment was for the end of the week and it was monday or tuesday or something, so i had awhile to wait. and then the next day the dizziness stopped. and it was still gone the day after that, even if i spun around. i was so excited!
the next morning, i woke up, and my throat was on fire. and when i sat up, guess what happened?
the world spun.
i had a cold....
and so i called in sick from work, and since all my finals were done, i called my mom up.
"mom, i'm sick, can you come and pick me up from school."
in my cd player are ain't nothin' but a she thing, the crow soundtrack, and eve 6.
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i want email! Or, you can call my neat toll free voice mail at 1-877-220-5414. yeah! do it now!
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semester's over, and once again i'm not sure i'm passing. this can't be good.
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what do you think? was i horribly selfish these past few weeks?
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i'm burning my jasmine candle and my catholic candle right now.
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it's nice to have my dorm to myself, except the roomies left it so messy. *sigh* who am i to talk, though, really? i have emily's room in a mess right now, with my christmas card materials. she's the one with the tv/vcr, and i just watched herbie the love bug.
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it was nice being home and seeing the kitties and my mom, but this is more my home in a way.
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so much to do, to see, to be. i'm so confused about what to go about next.
*listening to: *
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