*there is none so blind as he who will not see. 2001-07-11 4:47 p.m.*

i don't know why, but i really wanted to update. there's absolutely nothing going on, and i really would be doing better if i were reading rather than updating, but we all know i'm hopelessly addicted.

it's fucking hot in here again today, and i really don't know why. i've been sweating all day and even i think i'm starting to stick. i was wearing my black tori shirt earlier today, but i couldn't handle it, so it's just me in my bra and cords. i put on a new pair of underwear this morning (they cam in this pack i got quite awhile ago, but i mainly got them for the maroon and grey pairs which i wear a lot), and got way excited when i discovered that they're the same-ish shade of olive green as my pants. oh the simple pleasures of boredom.

on the news page when you login to diaryland it was saying how a lot of people signed up for diaries yesterday. i found out about a lot of diaries yesterday, but they weren't all formed yesterday. and yo, imthecat lists me as a favorite. i have arrived! secret is so proud of us. and malraux likes me too.

one of my first online diary entries ever was about malraux. i started diarying about a month after my first year of college, and a lot of those early entries were nostalgic ramblings about things that had happened earlier in the year. i just looked back at the entry, and it was on july 13, so that's almost 2 years ago:

In Living in the '90's I listened to "I Touch Myself" today. This brought back a flood of New College memories.

That was the song malraux did his drag show performance to. Afterwards, I came up to him, in my not so sober state, and told him that if he didn't have a penis, I'd do him. He told me that I was the sixth girl who had said that to him. Poor malraux. No wonder he thought we only loved him for his hair. So, the silly boy chopped it off when he graduated. And he still looked beautiful, and was the same malraux. Still, I wanted to cry. How hypocritical of me, with my own short hair. But, I cried when I got my first short haircut, so... Anyway, the night of graduation, I told him about how cool I thought he was and how he was very New College to me. I wonder if he remembers that. I'm surprised that I do.

i was so scared of life that first year. like, most people now don't believe me when i say that i'm shy, or if they do... it's a different shyness than it was then. everyone in the world that year was cooler than me, and i couldn't talk to anyone. i loved it but hated it at the same time. i just wanted some friendly people to tell me i was cool. i hid myself in my clique with big hair girl and sunshiny and booter and all of them. sunshiny socialized outside of us, and i was sort of envious. i joined clubs and stuff but never talked. i watched people and admired, but i hid a lot that year.

so those conversations with malraux were HUGE events in my life. he was such a cool guy and i just NEEDED him to know that. and after i told him i bounced around a lot, and i think it was what got me to be a lot more social later on. it's funny what people can do for you just by existing.

anyway... so that's part, though not really a direct part anymore, that i do try to tell people they're cool and amazing and wonderful as much as possible. because it's exciting in its braveness on my part. and because i always wanted that my first year. i know a lot of it was my fault, because i did hide so much, but yeah... people need to be told how awesome they are because some people aren't aware of it. it amazes me constantly how unaware people are of their own amazingness. it's so obvious to me, why not to them? but i spent a long time being unaware that i was at all cool, and i think i'm so fresh and so clean clean now, so...

anyway, we've all already heard my speeches on "you're cool. and tell everyone you think they're cool, because they might not know," so i'll end this one. but yeah, malraux, i still think you're cool.

*listening to: *
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