*i'm like a tv learning to swim. 2002-01-22 1:23 p.m.*

my house is so gross. i'm trying to not make this a passive-agressive rant, but god-damn, it makes me want to throw up down there.

i usually watch sabrina and clueless from 2-3, but the idea of being down there nauseates me right now. the kitchen smells like rotten tomatoes and it has spread throughout the whole bottom story. i go downstairs to get food, and usually can't even bring myself to rescue anything from the fridge it's that nasty.

i almost wrote a passive agressive "the kitchen depresses me" note for the cupboard, but that seemed really mean. i think it's probably the husband's mess, and the thing is, he seems to feel genuinely bad about things like that, but he still doesn't do anything about it. i don't know what to do. i tried to write a note on his whiteboard about it, but the pen died halfway through. i'm just so frustrated.

and i have to admit that i already am in sort of a blue funk. i feel a lot like i did at the beginning of my second year-- when the radical cheerleaders made me curl up in a corner with my hands over my ears, though i completely sympathized with them, when i broke down into tears at a wall because the ground was covered with water and i couldn't stop imagining people falling and seriously injuring themselves. my sad from when the breakup happened and all that other stuff, felt justified and understandable, while this whole thing makes me feel like i've suddenly become fragile and tender, inexplicably.

my body does feel very tender, too. i just took a shower and it hurt. all the drops of water hurt. and touching myself with the soap hurt. mainly it's the area under my breasts, my upper arms, and the backs of my calves that hurt the most in that weird tender way, but my whole body just sort of aches. i just want to curl up until i've healed.

i have been having some really nice times, though. i just feel bad when my nerves of crystal splinter from something very small and it all has to turn into drama. if i could just sleep for a few months, i'm certain it'd all be better.

*listening to: *
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