*does size matter? 2001-04-26 11:44 p.m.*

here i am in the nat sci lab. and i'm afraid i might be getting conjunctivitise from that evil dream thwarting michael. and i'm starting to get the flaming headache from hell. blechies. and i'm sure m.i.t. will be very angry at me for even mentioning the existence of the secret nat sci lab. but i love it. and i find it oddly inspiring. i've written some really good stuff in here. the infamous delilah story (that will be in *pimp*), and.... this entry, yo! um... but yeah, that's way more than any computer lab should do for a person. particularly any nat sci computer lab.

i guess it must be the black sterile fuck on the floor feeling. oh wait, that's just the bathrooms. but seriously, i walked in there and my first thought was "i'd pay someone to have sex with me in this bathroom." there's something about it that just says "fuck me."

either that or i'm highly sexually frustrated, and having an earth mother goddess make out partner for 2 weekends in a row did little to alleviate this. who knows? i think it's just that time in my cycle. when i wish i could cum more than once without it hurting. when i wish when my neighbors look at me with that "who was visiting YOU last night?" i'd have something more to say than, "you know what? i really like my hand." when i wish for all that sweet that nasty that gushy stuff (and um, yeah, not to be lewd, but i'm not actually referring to love...).

it's been an interesting evening. lots of playing in the palmer a lab. and then a trip to subway (um, instead of the green party meeting) where i thought the woman who was getting a drink in front of me was crazy because she was talking on one of those headset cel phone things, but i couldn't see it. we were listening to the monkees in the car and when we got to new college, "not your stepping stone" came on, and i got so excited i told michael not to turn off the car, so we turned the volume way up and got out of the car and bopped around until the end of the song. the only other time we did that was to en vogue one time at shell. both times were highly enjoyable.

and then the adventure to the nat sci lab where i am now. i've peed 3 times already in those fuck me bathrooms. i seriously have the bladder of a two year old. but i love them fluids. what can you do? the other night as i was going to sleep and i had a cd on and i peed 4 times before the cd finished. i was not happy about that, no sirree.

there was much i wanted to address in this entry, but now i'm spacing.

i'm currently doing a clearing out of my email. seeing what's still essential to keep and whatnot. i like to keep it down to under 1000, but it's tough. i'm a packrat with almost everything in my life. i wonder why that is. we moved a lot as a child. you'd think that would make me more buddhist about possessions, but really, i like my stuff. a lot more than one should, i think. anyway... the first email in my list is actually a fairly recent one. it's from my aunt. her computer fucked up and now she's sending out emails dated sometime last year. i think that's funny. i finally replied to the email tonight. i've had it for at least a week i think. i have lots of emails to reply to. i'm having one of my biting off more than i can chew nights where i'm exploring like 12 oljs and reading through my emails with the plan that i'll get to the end and get caught up on my replies by the end of the night. um yeah. how does someone taking 6 classes have time on her hands to write all this shit. i don't understand. anyway... my aunt. so yeah, we'd kind of drifted apart for awhile there. i mean the last time i think we wrote was before the last time we moved to wisconsin i think so that's like... 7 years ago or something crazy like that. i don't think that can actually be true, but i don't know when it would have been since then. anyway... so we got back in contact and i've been sending her really personal emails. it's just so nice to have someone sort of anonymous who has all this background information about you. like i told her about how dad called today and i wrote a note to michael to knock on my door and tell me that i had to leave, because he was making me so miserable. this is my dad's sister i'm talking about. i dunno. but she knows my dad. she's spent numerous chunks of her life not speaking to him. the point is, i'm kind of considering giving her this url. but would she be interested in the nc gossip? who can tell?

can i talk about cumming again? i'm feeling vaguely odd about this and not because i'm exposing this to all of new college, because honestly who the hell cares. i have no secrets (which is the reason i give myself for why no one has a crush on me... i'm absolutely completely unmysterious). but because, well there's the aunt thing, and then there's the fact that... well, i belong to this little thing called the kindred spirits listserv, and it's for people who love the works of l.m. montgomery (yes, the woman who wrote anne of green gables, but i'm more of an emily girl myself) and i love it a lot. i've belonged to this list since my senior year of high school and it makes me feel at home in this weird way. but there are people considerably more conservative than your usual new college bird. and someone on the list and i just traded diary urls. and i was reading the entry for today and she was talking about this beautiful walk she had and how she loved to watch the children play and i enjoyed reading it a lot a lot, but i think about the stuff i write in here and i wonder what she'll think of it.

anyway... cumming. so i'm known as (by like 2 people) as the girl who cums remarkably easily. except the thing is i'm not so much anymore. i mean, i cum during sexual type things, but i used to be able to cum while dancing, while just listening to music in the right way, stuff like that. but i dunno, since the whole england thing... maybe it made me uptight in that stereotypical english manner. it's all very disappointing. i came while on acid twice, and i think there was one other "i think most people would not cum while experiencing this" sort of moment, but i can't remember what it was. anyway... it's been seriously distressing me. which i know is silly, because i mean it's not like i'm frigid or anything, i'm just different. i think it actually changed once i'd really had sex. i think. but it still distresses me. the other night we went to the beach and i peed there because i couldn't hold it any longer, and we were driving back, and i, um, had my foot out the window and was sort of trying to air myself out and i was thinking how if i were doing that a year ago, it would probably have been more exciting than it was. *sigh* alas and alack, i'm growing up.

there is so so so much i keep meaning to write about ~ boys who make me wish i was straight, girls who make me glad i'm not but which i was cuter, girls i wish were not straight, acid, drugs in general, people who i haven't talked about yet, earth day and all those events mentioned in that second entry, all kinds of stuff. but i'm getting self conscious about the length of this but all we todd solondz fans know that it's not length but width that matters because it makes things get a little more... intense.

(thanks, john)

*listening to: *
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