*another entry of love and pain. please remember that there's love. 2001-12-13 11:21 a.m.*

perhaps what it is is that the idea of being that closely intimate with someone when i don't feel a whole awful lot for them feels like an invasion. perhaps that's what nauseates me. i don't feel like i'll have the emotional energy to devote to anyone for a long time, and perhaps that's why sex feels like the most bizarre thing in the world.

i've got all these little hurts to heal. i've realized that recently. how many tiny little pins i need to remove from my skin before i heal completely. all those things that were okay when the concept of the relationship got me through, but that have become inflamed and pus-filled when i find myself so very much intolerable. all the little promises that i found so important, even though they were said with maybes, or never even said at all. the more recent times, where i feel this desperate need to be validated all the time, which you know, isn't healthy and is too much to ask really, where interruptions and teasings make me want to sink my teeth into my own flesh, bite down, and spit the chunk out, screaming, "here, have it!" how did i get like this? how am i able to misinterpret life so intensely?

i miss feeling treasured. is that selfish? i miss feeling myself cupped safely in a pair of hands, close to a warm beating heart. i miss joyous laughs that were because of me. i miss being touched. once again, touching people has become the scariest thing ever. and it's awkward in this way were i spend minutes after my original impulse to put my hand on someone's arm has passed, and then when i finally work up the courage, the conversation has switched to a lull, and my hand seems surprising and threatening.

it's like, without knowing it, and without being bidden, i gave you a vital part of my being, and now the challenge is growing a new one. and it's some rough stuff. the healing hurts, and there are times when i want to lash out from the pain, though it's not really your fault at all, really.

thank you all for your patience. the bouts of self-loathing will pass. i don't really blame anyone for the way i'm feeling, not even myself, except perhaps my brain chemistry. i mean, in my times of lucid analysis of my emotional state, there is no blame. and some day my emotions and intellect will become one on this issue.

until then, know that i'm trying my damnedest, i don't mean any of it, and there's so much love in my heart for everyone who's put up with my sads.

and these feelings are not always there. they just seem particularly strong when i just wake up and before i go to bed. and i have had lots of happy times.

and so i'm going to change the subject to something i want to add to this here journal. i've been going through my favorites lately, and realizing how much great stuff there is out there, so i'm going to be putting a link of the day at the bottom of my entries. aren't you so thrilled?

i'm going to start with placing. it's a fun time. go through the alphabet for awhile.

*listening to: *
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*random* *list*