*i need my friends so much right now. i don't know what to do. 2001-12-17 7:37 p.m.*

it's that harsh feeling in your chest, the tight feeling around your heart, where you feel like you'd give anything to have a friend around, though, you know if there was a friend around, you'd spend all your energy beating yourself up about how they really wouldn't want to hear about your sadness, and you're being selfish. and you know you're not going to heal, and you're only going to take more if you don't stop beating yourself up about it, but it's so hard to need people so much. it feels like such a personality deficit. especially right now, when nobody's around.

it was never quite this hard to be alone. and it had started to get so much easier. and then this year came, and life just became so difficult.

i don't know. i really really want a hug. or social interactions with people other than my housemates. i feel like my heart could explode. i want someone here to stroke my hair while i hold my knees to my chest. i want a calming voice to drown out my sniffles and gasps. the world feels so tired and sad.

my dad's probably not going to be able to walk, guys. for a long long time. my dad, who's just as prone to sads as i am, who has been so dependent on drugs for so many years, who for the firt time in my life seemed to be getting out of that. it's not fair.

i'm tired today. i woke up in so many positions all over my bed last night. and i kept rolling on top of blankets, and my back hurts today. not as bad as my dad's. maybe it's a sympathetic pain. i think i should go back and curl up in a ball in my bed.

i just want to apologize to everyone for harboring this pain and bleeding all over you. i guess it's not really anything to apologize for, but it feels so selfish.

(link: this makes me feel less alone. and look, james taylor's on it. i guess i'm not a horrible person.)

*listening to: *
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