*feelings, where are you? (or the entry in which she uses the phrase "i feel like" a ridiculous amount of times. oh wait, i think that describes more than this one.) 2002-05-31 1:57 a.m.*

so yeah, when i wake up in the morning (i can't say tomorrow, because, look, it already is tomorrow), i will be going to my first ever funeral. i'm going with my mom rather than my dad, and we're not going to the visitation. as my mom says, "i think they're weird. the person is already gone. why look at the empty body?" it's better to go with my mom i think, because of that, and because my dad has a doctor's appointment beforehand, and it's just nice to not have to worry about him not showing up or driving off the road or anything like that. and it'll be nice to be with my mom.

i feel this emptiness when i try and think of what i feel about this whole death thing. what i mean by that is my lack of strong emotion is weirding me out. i feel things ridiculously strongly most of the time, why this lack of affect? is it emotional numbness, apathy, or just a healthy attitude. i sort of think it's the last one, but... i feel like i should feel something different. i feel like i should feel something at all. i almost feel like i'm going to this funeral so that i'll find some magic way to feel something.

blaaaah! my self analysis can be so troublesome and tiring. i should go to bed. but then i'll have to go to bed and go to the funeral.

*listening to: *
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