*i envy the wind that whispers in your ear that howls through the winter that freezes your fingers that moves through your hair and cracks your lips and chills you to the bone i envy the wind. 2002-10-06 4:30 a.m.*

i'm listening to strange little girls. i just finally bought it. i'm so not the tori fan i used to be.

i saw bitch and animal last night. good show. the opening act was like angsty jenna elfman on crack, but bitch and animal were fabulous. as always. james is convinced that it was me who they pointed out as having the sex noises, but dred girl (who did the hoedown last year) was also making them with me, and i'm convinced she was louder than me. whatever. i should not be such an attention whore.

they do vocally support michigan which flips my shit out a bit. i feel so guilty and torn in my love for them. but they just make me feel so good, like soul good, like deep down life is good good. unless they play "traffic" when i'm already a little sad, and then i get sadder, but i still loves them. 'cause they know how i hurt. and i'm an angsty 15 year old, apparently.

angst angst angst. woo!

depression seems to be setting in again, deep and dark and insidious. but i'm talking about it freely, so maybe it's not. it's funny when i can knit and say sentences like, "i hate that my creativity is just being used with ways to do it." yes, it being that thing that is not the answer. and i know that. i know a lot of things. it's just hard to believe them right now. hard as hell to believe that everyone is not stupid to believe i'm a worthwhile human being.

la la la. and then i still can laugh so hard, so life cannot be so bad, really? but when i decide to live for the joys in life, even that feels selfish.

don't worry. jill will hear all about this on monday at 11.

*listening to: *
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