*punches in my gut oh look i'm bleeding. 2002-03-11 2:14 a.m.*

i wonder how often people play with fire without being at all aware. is it that invisible of an element? i don't think it is. can't you fucking feel the heat, or is it just me?

it's funny when your sister rescue vibes come up when all you really want to do is curl up in the foetal position and sleep the fire out. and your heart is making lemon screeching sounds as this comes out of your keyboard:

"oh my girl, who i love, i wish i could make everything just right (like the baby bear's chair and porridge and bed) for you for your whole life. but if i could do that... you'd probably miss out on a lot of life. i'd keep you safe and warm, but sometimes you need something other than the safe and warm. but of course you can only say that when things are fairly safe and warm.

i think that's the scariest thing about relationships sometimes. to have a person care about you to the point that that is what you rely on, that you forget how to do it on your own. it's such a scary thing to rely on yourself for all that self-worth shit, but in the end, amy is not all you had, and neither am i. you have you, and the rest of us are just frills. what i mean is, without amy or me, you're still amazing. friends are wonderful things, relationships are wonderful things, but so are you.

and sometimes you can't see it. sometimes you get so close to your own yuck that you forget that all those other beautiful people have their own yuck to deal with. just as much yuck as you have. it's human to have the yuck. it's also a major pain in the ass.

i feel like a guru on a mountain that people come to. believe me, i have a hard time believing all of this most of the time, too. but then, when i see people i care about, and they're hurting, it seems so absurd, because... they are so perfect in their themselvesness. they are perfect, why do they hurt.

'the world is absurd, and beautiful and small,' and that works for people too, sweetpea. and know that i love you, 'cause i do."

and you feel like such a hypocrite, because this may be true for her and everyone else in the whole wide world, but tonight, it is not true for you.

small, as far as things in the universe go, perhaps... absurd as all hell. but the rockstar has left the building.

*listening to: *
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