*you are a drama queen, hear the beat on the tambourine. 2001-08-31 8:12 p.m.*

throwing up brings up a lot of stuff for me. arg, that's horrible.

but seriously, it does. i spent a significant chunk of my senior year praying to the porcelain god, and so now, when i throw up, no matter what the reason, a lot of questions come up.

(this reminds me of a conversation i had with a friend of mine after i told him about my throwing up and he kept inadvertantly saying things about things coming up or whatever, and it was so funny and so horrible and the point is that i'm not saying these things on purpose.)

there's good throwing up and there's bad throwing up. there's throwing up because that's really cleansing, where you wind up exhausted on the floor, but knowing you're done and whatever that was is out of your system, and then there's throwing up where it's like you're trying to exorcise something that won't leave. and this was a weird mix of both.

see, we went to this restaurant where i ordered a bean burrito, which was in the vegetarian section, but had a very distinctive dead thing taste, and so i wound up spending a lot of time crouching on the bathroom floor. but i couldn't tell if it was just my imagination that it was meat or if there really was meat or if it just was a nasty taste that grossed me out. and meanwhile there's this voice in my head that was saying, "we've seen this all before. you just want attention, there was nothing wrong with that food, you just want this table of 9 other people to watch you weakly emerge from the bathroom and wonder what's wrong. you're punishing the waitress for bringing the wrong food, you're punishing james for not sitting next to you, you're punishing everyone for exiling you to a silverwareandmenuless corner or the table."

why are my demons so loud? why can't i just deal with life without questioning my own motives? everything's been going so well, i conquered my showering with people fear, i got to read a story out loud last night, i'm liking my classes, i think i know who i want my 3rd person on my committee to be, mike's still sponsoring me, i have a bike, etc etc etc, nothing is seriously wrong.

but i'm feeling so yucky now. i've vomitted 3 different times and i still feel full of dead (yes, i KNOW vegetables are dead), and i'm also just having a hard time being okay with me right now. i can't help listening to myself when i call myself a selfish childish drama queen bad bad bad bad person.

*listening to: *
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