*"she's all about blowing kisses at you." (not a song lyric.) 2002-02-06 9:36 p.m.*

"back to how it back to how back to how it was back to how back to how it was back to how it back to how it back to how it back to how it was was was was." i heart baby bird. that's probably not his deepest moment, but it's what was playing as i started writing. and now it's over, and ani is telling me that life in the circus ain't easy, but the folks on the outside don't know.

so, my life has suddenly become about yoga and kickboxing and the tightness in my stomach. i have dreams at night that i am hedwig flying over the crowd, with her "punk rock" shirt on, and those oh my god stomach muscles. my abs constantly feel like they're doing that push off motion. i think it's a good thing.

yoga's kind of intense in this way that it shouldn't be, though. i get kind of claustrophobic from time to time, and my inability to relax is stressing me out. i sit there and try to breathe with the video, but the sound of the breathing method i'm apparently going for makes me think of hospitals, and my chest tightens up, and i have to remind myself that i feel good afterwards. if i just get through the breathing section of the tape, i will be fine. and that was the case until today after doing the plow, when suddenly my back muscles tightened up. they do this sometimes after the plow. it's similar to the sensation you get right before your back pops. except it was more intense tonight and it wouldn't go away, and i couldn't stop screaming. and the pain and my ridiculous fear of paralyzation and everyone else laughing made me laugh and cry and i didn't know if i could ever stop. i've never felt pain like that before. i've felt pain worse than that, and pain not so bad, but never exactly like that. the foreignness of it terrified me. and then during the relaxation section i was suddenly aware that my fists were balled up and my arms was shaking. i don't understand why that happened either. it was like my body was telling me to go fuck off, it didn't want any of this yoga shit. like suddenly my body was this corporate business man destined for a heart attack, rebelling against any attempts at hippydom.

oh, and i think i ate a little too close to yoga, too. doing the cobra and burping tsatziki sauce is not my idea of a good time.

"we're not gonna take it, we're not gonna take it (no!) we're not gonna take it anymore!"

i just want to settle. i don't know when i became this person who i apparently am, and i don't want it to continue really. however, everytime i think of you i get a shot right through like a bolt of blue. (jazz hands, michael, jazz hands!)

i now have fitness clothes, so i can look like sporty spice. of course when i tried them on, i looked nothing like sporty spice. the pockets on the pants are weirdly bulgy and that's kind of frustrating. but i can join the ranks of the sports bra girls. except that was a first year thing, and most of them are gone now, except for the few that have joined the cool kids. and i have exciting underwear which is always a happy thing. and grocery shopping has happened, too, which is also exciting. nothing like consumerism to appease the corporate business man in my soul.

i can sense it something important it's about to happen it's coming up it takes courage to enjoy it the hardcore and the gentle...

*listening to: *
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