*trying to make his way home, back up to heaven all alone. 2001-06-07 12:45 a.m.*

i accidentally posted that entry before writing the last paragraph, and after i posted the rest, i checked my email and there was the sweetest email in the world from james, and it made me feel a world of better. i was kind of scared that she would read it when she got back and feel bad, or that i was too much to handle or something. that's where a lot of my pain comes from sometimes -- the fear that it's unacceptable -- too much, too selfish, too ridiculous. it's been too much for some people. or my guilt about it has made our relationship too much for me. i think i've gotten pretty okay at just letting myself feel how i'm going to feel (a lesson i learned from a tarot reading osk gave me. i can't wait till he gets back!), and not judging myself too harsh. but i just don't want to hurt other people with my pain. i know i'm being irrational, i don't want to take other people down with me. and i want them to know that i know i'm being irrational and that i'd stop it if i could, but i just need to go through this now. and i think james gets that. i think james gets a lot of things. i think james is pretty darn incredible.

*listening to: *
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