*i used to call you cfc it used to rhyme with happy. 2002-04-24 3:51 a.m.*

i am a sleepy girl, but feeling the writing urge. to herbal.

but see, it's stream-of-consciousness moments like that, and the fact that i had to squinch my eyes and put my hand to my face to remember "stream-of-consciousness" that make me think that these sleepytime entries really are a bad idea.

but does that stop me? noooo!

today was nice, though i was drowsyish all day. the highlights of my early afternoon were black olives and liberation theology, and then work nearly put me to sleep again (i haven't fallen asleep at this job before, but i've been close many times, so "again" refers to the "nearly" and not to the "fell"), and i took an extra 15 minute break that i won. the highlight of work was when i had been calling all these people who had stopped the survey midway through and we were trying to get them to complete it, and so i got to this guy and i started with my intro and he said he'd already done the survey, and so without looking back i was like, "well, it looks like you were almost done," and he said, "okay," with a sigh in his voice. as it turned out, he had barely even started it, and we basically had to do the whole survey, but he didn't complain about anything. go me.

so yeah, when i got home there was a message on my im from james, so i imed her back and she asked if i wanted to go to the bay with our jennifer connelly and i was totally into that, so we did that, even though before that i was that weird mix of sleepy and antsy and also calling michael a lot and getting the busy signal, but that didn't last nearly so long as last tuesday, nor was i so obsessive about it. we stopped at the 4 winds on the way, which i'm certain was annoying as anything, but they were closed last night, so nyah!

the bay was so nice, and the way my back felt on the cold cement was so comforting and familiar. and i was a little caffeinated and weird, but i felt very peaceful in this way that i haven't in so long. for once i didn't feel like singing at the bay, it just wasn't the right night for that, but i found the perfect way to rock myself and everything felt right for a little while. i miss those days when so many things felt just right.

and then i went and babbled to retro for awhile, and then called michael and we all babbled for awhile and saw pictures and they looked through my glasses and it was nice and chill and fortunately the caffeine did not make me have to jump around in circles or anything, though the coffee made me very self-conscious about my breath, though i'm uncertain if things are so bad there as they have been, yeah. *cough.... breathes on hand, sniffs, shrugs*

i feel like it's completely unobvious, but i just slipped into a boy phase in the past couple of days. i feel like i'm standing differently and talking differently and my mannerisms have subtly shifted. but like all those other inside jokes with myself, it's just me noticing, which is disappointing in this way, though it's not like it's that big a deal really. but michael did appease me by telling me i've been more studly lately, which yeah, maybe she was humoring me, but whatever.

beh, i don't want to be all dismissive or anything, but like, you know how people can feel "a little depressed" while depression is like this clinical thing? i'm feeling a little "gender dysphoric" these days. does that make me a bad person, like i'm doing it just to be cool or something? it's such a mild case of something that's so frustrating for so many people, who am i to whinge?

i think it's this vague trend of pregnancy going on. the whole pregnancy thing is where i feel so boy and always have. it's never been anything i've conceived of (heh) for myself, bearing a child, though i think it's very beautiful and all those things that sensitive people such as myself think about childbirth, just not something i ever ever wanted to do. and like in this apathetic way, like just this complete inability to conceptualize it to the point where it was a non-issue.

and see, this makes me feel like such a cheeseball, though, when am i not?, but when i was watching if these walls could talk 2, ellen's character is talking about how frustrating it is that she can't get sharon stone's character pregnant, that they can't make a baby out of their love, and that hit me so hard. i want to do that, dammit. just the utter impossibility of it hits me in the gut and makes me so very sad. i have very little of the penis envy, but yeah... sperm envy? i dunno.

yeah, this is something no one really knows about. i kept it in my paper diary while it was going on, because i felt so weird about it. but when james and i were together, i'd think sometimes about what good moms we could be for some little wee thing, and she would talk about how the idea of carrying a life inside of her was something that felt so right, and i wished i could be on the other side of that. i mean, hypothetically, were we to last that long.

so the big confession of the evening is that guys, i really want to be a dad someday.

*listening to: *
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