*masturbation metaphor. 2003-12-04 8:08 p.m.*

sometimes i can get teased to the point of pain. like foreplay can lead to an inability to be touched. except, actually, i'm still able to be touched and i let myself be touched except i actually leave. this has happened 3 or 4 times in my life when i knew that something was supposed to be leading to really good sex, but once my clit was actually involved, there was excrutiating biting pain. but i am me and wanted it to be good so i left until it stopped hurting and then i came back and it was good.

which is feeling like a metaphor for something that's going on in my head these days. which is the way that i've reached for good things so much and have been thwarted for so many reasons that yes of course i understood you are human things happen life happens attraction happens and doesn't happen and sometimes our hearts are elsewhere and and and... but it has left me in this primed and wired state and so it is so hard to actually believe that any of this anything is being reciprocated that it seems like i can't reciprocate. i give it all i have, because i am so in it, but... i've spent so much time falling into it and then just watching my heart hit the ground that this time, this time that it's real and the world has stopped yelling wolf, i am too fragile to give what i've given to things that were not worth as much.

*listening to: tuck and patti*
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