*she stares outside the kitchen door says it looks like rain i'm sure it's gonna rain. 2003-11-14 10:14 a.m.*

my love has turned into such a twisted frightened thing in my head. ha! i meant to write "twisted frightening thing" but it's also frightened.

i can't stop thinking about all the ways i've loved people until we both wanted to rip each other's throats out and the way that i can't get close to people without just loving that they love me and i can't stop wishing i could run away to a tily island where there are no cabana boys no nobody just me and myself and no one to hurt and no one to worry about and tons of paper to purge myself onto until i am gone.

it scares me how much i can hunger for people.

ha... i just had a realization of how metaphoric my life is being. the truth is i'm having a tiny bit of a hard time buying groceries. don't worry, i have the hugest bag of rice ever so no starvation yet and i dipped into my basically empty savings for groceries to last me a week and today i got paid, but yeah... i'm seeing myself about to enter the allramenallthetime period of my life. and i haven't been eating until i'm full so much anymore because i must conserve i must make sure i can make it i must survive. and of course, i finally got the motivation to get back into my nyc ballet workout stuff again, which just makes me hungrier and i have to sit and shake for awhile before i can get up to actually eat. but yeah... apparently all the fatphobic gossip at work is starting to have its effect because i am getting proud to watch my waistband get looser and looser around my waist and it's getting the eensiest nicest bit easier to bind and yes of course i am scared. i am fucking terrified.

and so i am reminded of all those days when this social selfish being tried so hard to convince eirself that ey didn't neeeeeed anybody that ey were so independent and soooo motherfuckin' strong that ey just shrunk and shrunk and became all winnowed down and hungry. now i hoard. now i try so hard to hold on to my people while at the same time trying to be pretendstrong prove to the world that i don't need any of you people. and now someone is soooooo close and i fear for them because i fear i've become far too gobblesome hungry to be safe.

*listening to: "milkshakes and honey" - sleater-kinney*
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