*"maddy monkey, you're my heart." 2003-05-21 10:31 p.m.*

Do you want to be a polyester bride?

Do you want to hang your head and die?

Do you want to find alligator cowboy boots they just put on sale?

Do you want to flap your wings and fly away from here?

this is the song that has fit into my heart like a splinter for the past day or so. it was on a couple times on the trip to and from disney world, and then in the shower today i kept singing it and in the car i kept singing it and finally i had to download it because it's my heart.

remember how i was so antsy to leave? guess what i sooooooo don't want to do right now.

but at the same time, there are things i need to get away from so badly. like the faculty for example.

i got my bacc eval. it made me cry. it contained words such as "weak" and "marginal sat." i never want to see those 3 men again. the thought of shaking my advisor's hand at graduation makes me shiver. in a fucking wretched bad way and that makes me soooo sad.

but... we're all, in this room so reluctant to leave, really. we're all taking our sweet time packing and i think a big part of it is just that we've LIVED here for a year. and we were close and it was actually really good. and now... now... now.

i wish the bacc experience hadn't made me feel so shattered. i was so brave. you should have heard the words i said to my counselor the last day we talked. brave brave words with very little fear for the future. and now... it's petrifying.

and oh, i will miss people. people who i've known for all 5 years- boys who fucked my head up with crushes, cute cute interesting people... people i've shared intense fun and pain and fabulousness with- people i've had sex with, people i've danced with, people i've gone on long car trips with, people who have held me while i cried... people who i've really honestly basically just met- girls i've kissed and giggled with, people who's only words to me ever have been "what kind of massage do you want?" and "thank you!" when i told them how rad it is... and people i never actually ever really did talk to, but who've always been in the background of my life.

it hurts it hurts it hurts i don't want it. can't i just sit in a chair on a cruise ship passing the school for the rest of my life?

*listening to: princess do you really want to fly 'cause you've got time.*
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