*audi-oh. 2003-05-06 2:31 a.m.*

it was absolutely shocking to me when i was 15 and i realized i probably liked girls. i don't know why.

when i was 13 years old, finishing up my 8th grade year, anticipating with dread moving back to a state that had not welcomed me at age 10, the high schoolers came to tempt those of us who would be sticking around in sarasota to join the riverview marching band. and i sat on the ground with two of my good friends, one of whom wound up being in band, the other in color guard, and watched as the band played.

and i sat and watched the pretty girls in their highland dancer skirts dance around, showing thigh, and i watched girls toss flags around, and i watched boys strut their stuff with their drums... and the sun was bright and it was a hot day, and i wanted to go back inside to the air conditioning, and whatever novel i was reading at the time. i stared up at the sky in boredom, wondering if it would be that blue in wisconsin, if the sun would glare in my eyes the same way, if the boy i had a crush on would miss me... and then, i turned my head.

and in the moment that i saw the drum major, i knew my life was forever changed. my heart dropped. i can still feel it, the way i felt the whole world turn to jelly and the way, suddenly i felt in tune with the beat of the drums, the way it was now the pulsing of my blood. i thought i might actually die. i remember sitting there, thinking about that, if such beauty would actually kill me. she was my first recognition of girl power, she was who i thought of, years later, when i thought kissing a girl might be a revolution, she was who simultaneously broke my heart and glued it back together.

i had boy crushes still, and i giggled lots about them, and had fun obsessing and i still have fun obsessing about my girl crushes. it's honestly rare that i find that sensation of world-changing power in girl relationships, but that experience with the drum major may be why being with boys will never be quite satisfactory for me.

*listening to: "i wish i never saw the sun shine" - beth orton*
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