*i'll be there i'll be dancing in the front front row, i don't care, i don't mind 'cause i think you're... 2003-05-03 3:20 a.m.*

you may have read things like this before. if you know where else to find me or if you know how to find my friends, you may have read this before.

shattering, becoming whole, shattering, becoming whole... how long has this been going on? how long can it go on, really, before i can't come back together again?

i'm graduating. in less than one month. i have a paper to edit, a bacc to do, and a bunch of reading. and that's it. i should glory in this freedom. and the way the dance tutorial tonight filled something that's been missing in my soul for ages, i feel like glorying.

and my first step in glorying was to dance around, with my door closed, on the tiny floor space i have, stepping on all kinds of things, to "the new sound" by the capricorns, which weirdly has been my god of late...

my second step was to write an angsty livejournal post, that may have been verbatim of the narrative that would not shut off in my head as i almost started sobbing during a piece of dance tutorial goodness.

my third step was to talk to someone online who i haven't talked to in "forever" (4 days).

but my fourth step, my fourth step, my friends, was to leave my room! i did it. i hung out with friends and then went to the wall where i started giving out the "jasmine had a crush on me" buttons to people who are not in close proximity to me, physically (i.e. roommates, neighbors)... and made out with someone.

but... earlier today, i felt broken down on so many levels. like so many mornings lately, waking up felt like my heart being ripped out, in a way that i can't fathom. and i slammed my door and cried a lot and was a general grumpy brat face.

because i'm having control issues up the ass lately. you have no idea. i feel like i'm clutching onto the stupiddest stuff, but i'm clutching onto it For My Life and if i lose these things i will lose My Self. and i know that it's absurd, and in all honesty, the clutchpigginess is in no way bringing me back to myself...

but i so very much want to feel whole all the time. and i just very much don't.

*listening to: peter tosh*
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