*and now you want to leave me for good, i refuse to believe you could. 2003-02-19 9:00 p.m.*

i have a semicrush on a pseudoboy, and it's not even that big, but its existence is of course a huge thing for me. i analyze these things to death. when i am comfortably boycrushless i can speechify about how i was lucky to miss whatever it is that makes the boys attractive to us girls and i can go off about their appalling nature, but when i'm kind of interested in a guy i get filled with tremendous guilt and a desire to be an equal opportunity lover but i just have this roadblock to get past. and that's the level of physical attraction. like, i can recognize good points about a boy and think i might want to try that, but then there's like this aura of gross around them that i can't get past. and that's frustrating, too. and then i think the thing to death. i try and figure out what it is that repels me-- that sounds harsh, but i mean it in the sort of like magnets repelling each other way.

most of the time it doesn't even matter so much to me that i can't like boys that i can't really be attracted to boys, but every once in awhile, i feel guilt for it. i try and justify it so that it's something past physical. and then i try and understand it on a level that's purely physical. i want it to be that i just get girls better... but also that it's not about gender, that there's no real fundamental difference between girls and boys but that my body just will not be attracted to boybits... but i'm just so paranoid it's a vicious mental block that i don't understand, and that it's something wrong with me. and when i have a pseudocrush like this, i wish i could get past the magnetic repulsion dealy, because it's so inconvenient.

i've gotten nowhere here.

*listening to: "busby berkeley dreams" ~ magnetic fields*
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