*it's a silly time to learn to swim when you start to drown. it's a silly time to learn to swim on the way down. 2003-02-15 1:56 p.m.*

i've been thinking a lot about my first year lately. seeing so much of ramp-esq lately has been an interesting experience. i remember now why i was friends with him in the first place, why spending time with him is so good, and probably why i felt so yucky about some stuff that happened my first year. as time has passed, our friendship kind of faded in my mind as a sort of anomalous memory and i also brushed my feelings of betrayal and stuff off as overreactions. which is still possible, but now i remember how much emotion i had invested in a lot of things that year and why i would have gotten so upset.

but yeah, most of my feelings about the whole first year lately has been some warm fuzziness about the people i knew and the adventures i had, with this puzzlement at how utterly new and fresh and sheltered i was... and how shy and different. you think i'm shy now, it was just a whole nuther breed of the shy back in the day.

i have this theory about new college students... that they become a different being their second year-- almost even like they're evil twin. it's like the breaking away from high school them. and then somewhere in the rest of the four years, there's this balance that they find between high school them and new college them... and usually the evil snippish "i'm changing, fuck you, go away" ends. i don't know if that works for me, i can't see it-- there was definitely a sharp change in my second year, but i always see it as just mellowing rather than becoming harsh.

but the point is that in this growth process we call new college, we all do stuff that's really just fucking uncharacteristic, and yeah... i think that happened a lot that 2nd half of my first year, and maybe in his, and that's the reason for the clash?

the point is, it's good to know him, glad i do. woot!

and i can think of no witty way to end this post to make it a little less emotogoofy.

*listening to: the raincoats - "lola"*
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