*there's a sad sort of clanging. 2003-02-14 4:51 p.m.*

i've been thinking far too hard lately, i think. and of course, at the best, most convenient and coherent thinking time in the world-- when i'm curled up in my bed, post-masturbation even, trying to sleep.

2 nights ago, i couldn't sleep for hours for missing my dad. i just kept crying. it's weird, missing him. that's where the sadness is, there's no regret, i recognize that objectively his death was "for the best" etc, but... i miss him. terribly.

and then, last night, i guess because today was coming up, i thought about all the ways i've fucked up in relationships, and yeah, lots more of the crying. i thought mostly about my first girl relationship and my last one. and i was able to romanticize my first one like you wouldn't believe. suddenly it was all about giving each other presents and kissing each other in public and her hair... and i was all "why did i let that go?" even though, from the getgo for me the relationship was wrong. my heart wasn't in it. i'd had a crush on her before, it was water under the bridge and then suddenly she was interested in me and yeah... it was just a bad plan. but... it had it's good points and i'm sad that we couldn't have stayed friends.

and then, this past relationship. james and my relationship is so complicated. still. what we have now, our friendship, is soooo strange. it's good, i love her a lot, we love each other a lot, our closeness is fantastic, but when we get mad at each other it's the worst thing in the world. and sometimes i wonder how much of it is leftover sexual energy and how much is leftover hurts and all kinds of stuff. it's weird, in movies, the person that you fall in love with at the end, is your best friend who you had overlooked throughout the rest of the movie... but the thing is that there's just this huge knowledge that we don't work in a relationship context together. but when i get lonely and i think about this good friend that i have i think about what a shame it is that we can't be together, that it's so painful to be together and unhealthy and stuff... and i wonder if i did something differently if it would work... but i think we just have this thing that makes us fundamentally incompatible... and it just makes me sad. on a lot of levels.

*listening to: vandals - "so long, farewell"*
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