*there are times when i really think this isn't going to work. and i really really want it to. 2002-09-02 3:18 a.m.*

texas was here tonight and was playing my guitar out in the main room. and i was trying to think of a song to request that he play. and i thought of this song that my dad always played on the guitar while i was growing up, and suddenly i got all dramatic about how i don't know the name of the song and how i might never hear it again, because i don't know what the status of things are with him. i feel like such a delinquent daughter right now. the man gives me $1000 cash and then things get rough for him and i don't even contact him. but i mean... meanwhile, his mother is apologizing to me for him ruining my life. i think i need the space right now... i don't know. but something in the guitarplaying just hit me really hard. this realization of so much that has been in my relationship to my father, and so much that i would lose if i did lose complete contact with him, and so much that i have lost with just the way his brain has died from all the drugs. for a minute there i wasn't seeing texas and i wasn't hearing texas play that song. i was seeing my dad play me a song when i was 12 years old. and texas is as much like the man my father was when i was 12 as my dad is now. more so, really. when i was 15 i made the announcement that my father had ripped my heart out ripped it up and stomped all over it. i wonder what he's been doing to it since then.

meanwhile, there's tension building in these rooms i think. i feel like i've suddenly become very defensive and raw and sore around james again, like i was at the end of last year and we're starting to revert to our old habits, and i really don't like that. i have certain reactions to things that she says and does that scare the crap out of me. it's dangerous being best friends with your ex, because really no one can push your buttons like they can. and i know i'm pushing her buttons too, and i don't want to do that. i wish i knew how to stop. it's weird being so nitpicky about yourself, and then have someone who you feel knows you probably better than anyone else tease you about things you hadn't even seen before. i know that they are not all there is to me, or even all that she sees in me, but i find myself trying to disprove these things over and over again and failing miserably, until i feel like they're all there is to me. i don't take criticism well at all. it starts to feel like it's the entirety of who i am.

bleh. i'll stop now. it's just that when you open a vein you don't know what all the crap is that's going to come out.

*listening to: *
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