*breasts, trees' souls, and bad sex. 2002-06-26 3:13 a.m.*

i took a walk tonight. for some reason it was all i could think about doing for my last hour at work tonight. as soon as i got to 41, some guy whistled, making me feel paranoid and jumpy for the rest of the walk. i walked down to the bay at old caples, and stood in the shadows for awhile, looking at the moon and the trees and the water, and thinking about things. my thoughts are so strange and convoluted.

breasts. if there's any time i want to pass more than any other time, it's when i'm walking by myself by 41. i want to be seen as a boy so badly, and it's not about feeling studly, but feeling safe. it's so frustrating. and tonight, i wanted to give up my breasts so i could walk shirtless and feel safe. the more i think about it, the more i realize that whatever sex or gender, walking shirtless at 2 am is a little strange and unsafe, but still, it would have felt very nice. i felt all trapped and gross in my shirt and bra. i've been thinking a lot lately about transgender stuff, if you hadn't noticed, and my identity as transgender as opposed to transsexual, and my comfort in my body and all sorts of things, and i mean, i love the vagina, but breasts, i could take or leave. there are times when they are useful and wonderful, but my lack of sex lately makes them feel entirely extraneous and in the way. i think i mainly do like them, and i'd feel wrong with top surgery, but it's been something i've been thinking about. really, it's more an issue of convenience than identity there.

trees' souls. maybe when we die, we become trees, and all of our "sins" become the craggy "ugly" bends in the branches, and maybe all the good things we did in our lives become leaves. but i don't know about flowers or fruits or things like that... but maybe there's something symbolic there, in the shedding of the leaves and then them coming back in the winter.

bad sex. it's been awhile. and then i start wondering about myself and sex, and if i'm good in bed or selfish or what. i watch the scene in hedwig where tommy kisses the back of hedwig's neck, and puts his arm around her neck without really realizing it and she says, "sweetie, sweetie, you're choking me," and i wonder if that's me.

*listening to: *
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