*the lesson for today: how to deal with everything going wrong that possibly can, and why you should pay attention. 2001-08-14 11:32 p.m.*

okay, so we didn't lose a wheel on the bus (though i've been on a bus that lost a wheel), and no one died, so not everything that could hae gone wrong happened, but... it's been a pretty sucky 24 hours, i must say. a lot of it has been my emotional state, but i think we've just found some sunlight up ahead, so that's good. i don't actually think you'll be hearing too much about it here, but the people (malraux and james) who emailed me about it expressing concern got a 6k email detailing my emotional state, so yeah, if you care... i'll probably forward you that same 6k email, because it just says things pretty well.

but the email deliberately does not go into the more... physical for lack of a better word... reasons why the past 24 hours have just bit really hard.

i'll start with going to my house. i borrowed a blanket and some candles from michael and gaypuppy, and brought over everything else i had with me from my trip to see james. my plan was to sit out on my balcony, with candles around me and meditate and pray and sort stuff out. but did you notice what i forgot? yes! matches!

so i get in and nearly burn the house down trying to light candles on the stove top, finally tearing a strip of paper out of my journal and lighting that on the stove. it was too short and i had to quick throw it in the sink, so i got a new piece, which worked fine.

by this point though, i was very overheated from standing over the stove, and the candles didn't really help matters any. and i did have some good moments, but after blowing the candles out, i finished my evening by crying myself to sleep. i've never done that before that i know of. i've cried and then later slept, but i seriously don't know where the one ended and the other started.

i woke up and panicked that it was time for kin to pick me up, but it was only 7:30 so i went back to sleep. then i woke up again at 10:08, and i was just getting out of my blanket when she showed up. so she drove me to selby gardens, with my many isp books in my arms, and dropped my off there.

my mom was not there. she was at this big thing in tampa and she would be back "late." so her coworker gave me bus money from the cash register and wrote a note to my mom to pay it back, and i stole a bag, and i made my way to 1st and lemon, not entirely sure where lemon was and watching the bus drive away the minute i got there. so i wandered around downtown and had a brunch of a bein's and joffrey's sandwich with white bread because the rye bread was still being baked, and no flirty sandwich guy either. i left and wandered down the road and found the stationery store that michael introduced me to when i thought i was going to be an r.a. and wanted to get a guestbook for my room. so, *laughs* i bought a guestbook for the house. i'm such a dork. that was one of the good points of the day. good stuff did happen today, and i think i dealt with things pretty patiently and stuff, but maybe more like a me of infinite resignation rather than a me of faith.

anyway, i went to the bus stop and sat down, and decided to look at my schedule again. oh, wait, i was half an hour early, 'cause i misread it. so i wandered around downtown some more and then finally i got on the bus to downtown.

i read so it wasn't so bad, but it was an hour and 15 minute long bus ride, which is tiring. and at one point i realized i didn't have my keys with me, so i had images of myself trying to break into my house. then i had this great idea to sit outside and spray myself down with the hose a bunch and read till mom got home.

i got off the bus and then realized that once again i'd misread the timetable, and that i'd have to wait and hour and 12 minutes rather than just 12 minutes for my bus home. so i wandered around trying to find the library, but i couldn't, so i went to this store that a woman from the church across the street works at and she gave me directions. before i got to the library, the bag i was carrying my books in exploded, so i had to pick them all up. but the library was nice and i found some books though it's silly 'cause i'll be leaviung really soon, but at least i didn't have to spend any money. i asked the woman for a bag when i checked them out, and i really should have asked her to double bag it, but i didn't.

i went to the bus stop, but between the library and the bus stop i started getting really dizzy from the heat, and my bag started cutting off the circulation in my hand, and i just wanted to sit down. so i got on the bus and sat down and waited...

and then the bus started and we started going... back the way i'd come. i'd gotten on the same stupid bus i'd gotten off of. i cried and cried most of that bus ride and just felt cruddy, but i figured i could go up to mom's office until she got back, since she was getting back "late." so i got out and walked back to selby, my bag of books falling apart until i had to clutch the whole thing to my chest.

"you just missed her."

apparently she'd just left to go back home. nobody i tried to call was around, and she wasn't home yet, and so i waited and sobbed again in front of mom's coworkers and all the people who were buying plants. finally i got ahold of mom and we decided that i'd get a ride to sarasota square from this one waman and she'd pick me up from there. she was unpleased, because she'd had to drive to and from this place that was north of tampa already today, and sarasota square is a good half hour's drive from my house, but when i offered to take the bus from sarasota square she said she didn't want to wind up having to pick me up from bradenton. so i got a ride there and there she was.

yeah, in plain english it doesn't sound so bad, but you have to remember how hot it was and how sad i was and how much the guy that mom works with already says i'd get lost trying to find my way out of a paper bag, and just pity me. but also know that the day is over now and things are looking up. yay!

*listening to: *
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