*save water. sleep with a friend. 2001-05-16 9:26 p.m.*

i'm hungry, but there's not a whole lot available in my room except for sweet food, but i made the mistake of eating some before i napped and that's the best way to wake up feeling icky. the nap was very very nice though, and the shower that followed was tremendous. i'm running low on both shampoo and conditioner though. i have a bottle of shampoo at the bottom of one of these containers because my mom bought me some when i got back into this country because i thought i was running out, but what was left in the bottle has lasted almost an entire semester. now, though, it really is running out. bubbles come out rather than any sort of thick liquid. it still makes me laugh that i wash and condition my hair even when there is none. more condition than anything else. it's like a superstitious drive to make my head better. like when i condition it when it's all bald and stuff, it's like i'm rubbing some sort of healing salve into all the damaged spots from all the bleach and dye and terror that i subject it to when there is hair. i'm in that growing the hair out process for real guys stage now, where i'm putting up with it looking quite awful most days.

showering, i enjoy. especially in the b-dorm showers. we are so fortunate in our water over here. best showers, best water fountain, ra ra.

i don't know why it is that i have this ungodly fear of showering with someone else. it flips me out in the same way that my bellybutton flips me out. well without the utter revulsion. there is a fascination, but severe performance anxiety. i was never this scared about going down on a girl. but the idea of showering with someone makes me want to do dumb stuff like hide under my bed, like someone would actually go so far as say, "i will drag you into the shower and you will like it." *cringe* why am i so weird? have we covered this yet?

i'm feeling very self-disclosive (is that a real word... what's the adjective form of "self-disclosure?") tonight. i will tell you all my secrets, you, my diaryland public.

when my exish and i were having sex, for those 2 and a half weeks when we were having sex, i had most of pei to myself. i was supposed to be helping move the nat sci stuff out of the old building, but they didn't really start until a few days before i left for tallahassee to work with the wee little kidlets at grassroots. but yeah, so i was still on campus, but i had so much room and time to myself, and she came over lots. but yeah... i started having these dreams at night that people would come up to me in the halls and tell me to please shut up with the sex noises.

the point is, i think the yogic duo next dorm might get a taste of their own medicine.

when my exish and i first started having sex, it was the morning after gay day at disney world. she'd gone on lots of rides which she didn't normally do, she'd eaten lots of bad food during the day, and not a whole lot later in the evening, and well, you know there was nervousness and all that. the point is, i went down on her and she was going to go down on me but instead... um... the sight, odor, nearness whatever of my vagina made her vomit. in those 2 1/2 weeks she never attempted it again and i never pressured her. and then it ended, and i know it was very circumstantial, and that there were so many other factors in the situation, but i still have this great irrational fear that my vagina is nasty. that there's something about it when you get down there that is seriously seriously wrong. i know what i taste like and i like that, but i'm actually not all that familiar with the way it looks like. sometimes i envision some sort of nasty funghus-like thing growing down there. i basically do okay. i heart my pussy. but sometimes i wonder what's wrong with me.

hunger is overcoming me. i think i will visit the c-baby-store and then jennifer connelly. yeah.

*listening to: *
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