*12 is 21 backwards 2001-04-30 3:45 p.m.*

you know you've missed a lot of classes when your professor talks to you before class about how the reason that she is not returning your paper to you is that she didn't grade it because you didn't think you were in class anymore.

i had 2 traumatic confrontations with professors today and one rather nice one. the other traumatic one was with the rabbi. he had all these questions about my sources for my paper, because, um, none of them are in the library, because i was too lazy to leave the comfort of my room and solely relied on the internet (though, tell me. if you discovered this page while doing a paper on jewish and christian mysticism would you use much else?). the problem is that he's always so understanding but yet at the same time, disappointed, that i feel so guilty about even living sometimes. but then in class today he talked about the hassidim living ecstatically and that according to them god meant for us to live joyfully and without guilt, so i felt a little better. but of course that was when i was confronted by sex ed with her question about whether i was in the class anymore.

the good professor interaction was with the visiting professor who i just happen to have 2 classes with. the more i interact with her, the more i like her. i visited her feeling actually vaguely petrified, because i was there to discuss the reading assignment i have to present on tomorrow, and i'd fallen asleep on the ham center pool table last night at about the half way point, so i didn't quite finish it. but she was very understanding about the whole thing. we talked about lots of things, including how she's going to feel when she leaves new college for illinois, and how my journal/notebook has been gone for awhile, and my recent negative-ish interaction with a friend, and i almost invited her to my birthday party. i feel like she really wants to interact with students, but the way i want my party to go is kind of weird for a professor to be there. i told her to come to walls or something and now i have this fear that she's going to come to some random wall with like 2 people there and feel all socially inept and professor-y, when really i want her to know that she's an excepted entity on this campus.

speaking of social ineptness, a bit of social paranoia. so yeah, i had this great idea about what i wanted my birthday party to be like. it's kind of been mulling around in my brain for a few months, but i only put it into words recently, but yeah, the theme is : i'm 12 and my parents are throwing me this party. i've told a very few people about it, though the sampling of the new college population i've told is pretty random. my birthday is may 11, which has the good point of being a friday, but the bad point of being the same night as everything else in the world, or at least other things that i don't want to compete with (as though my party would compete at all, really). so i'm thinking it will be the 12th in the hopes that i will not compete with anything i do not currently know about. i went out and got cute barbie party invitations last night and i want to send them out kind of soon just because i feel like maybe if people know it's my birthday party they won't plan anything else, while if they don't know they might plan something fun... but then i don't want to seem too eager at the same time. la! why does any of this matter, really. but the point is... this i'm 12 and my parents threw me this party party is going to be a continuation to the goodie bags i gave out last year. lots of fun stuff that people feel they've outgrown - pin the tail on the donkey, bobbing for apples, that kind of thing. all the sort of stuff that i always wanted to have at my birthday parties that always were just my best friend and me. but see, then, and this is my favorite part, and also something that people who had lives before college may have done, but still seems new and interesting to me, because i really am 12 and not 21 which is 12 backwards... and that's that "after the parents go to bed" we're going to have games like spin the bottle and seven minutes in heaven.

which brings me to my most recent social paranoia and that's the fact that i'm afraid that lisa frank thinks i'm copying her in this journal, as though she actually cared, and that she's going to think that the only reason i'm talking about this is because she was talking about how she wanted to make out in a spin the bottle/seven minutes in heaven style. and since i'm 12 i'm using my prerogative to stand here and say, i planned to have those games at my party before they were mentioned in any of the journals i read, and so i'm not a copycat. so there! *stomps foot*

anyway, the point/moral of this story is that... in case anyone cares, i could really deal with going to bein's and joffrey's and getting a sandwich from zodiac massage flirty sandwich man. hint hint.

*listening to: *
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