*morning has broken, like the first morning. 2003-01-18 5:09 p.m.*

so, last night i went to the 4 winds and had a little too much caffeine and when i started to feel it fading, i had a soda. and i piddled around online, and, um, worked something out so i have more image hosting... or will by business hours monday, and made lots of pictures for livejournalness, and finally at around 3:30 curled up with my lemony snicket book. i finished it a bit before 5, and then read a few zines. i decided i really should go to sleep, but, it was like i was holding a vigile for something. like, i couldn't sleep until Something Happened. and it hit me that i was basically waiting for my dad to be alive again. like, i really felt like i couldn't sleep until that was true.

i knew that laying in bed would just remind me more and more how dead he is, so i decided to take a walk. i bundled up and walked down to the bay, watching the water come up around the trunks of the palm trees, and listening to how with some trees, the irrigation sounded like they were peeing, and with others the sound reminded me of being 4 years old and drinking from the hose and they way it sounds when the water is spurting around in your mouth.

i made it to the bay and the moon was amazing and full and reflecting on the water. it was so cold that the sky looked all sparkly and the light of the moon caught on the air and that was reflected, too. and bird flew over the water and i thought about singing, but i decided i needed silence. i stood and watched things around me and eventually i started crying. and then, the vigil was over. i could sleep whenever i wanted to, but sunrise was so close, i sat until i saw the sky start to change a little over college hall. i walked back, and got it into my head to do a sun salutation, since it was coming up. so, over the overpass, cars gunning their engines, because that's what you do at 7 am, i did yoga. and then, i walked home. i was hella cold, so i made some cheese grits, ate them watching the sunrise out my window, and then curled up to sleep.

my first year, i did my isp on tori amos, and one night i started reading dangerous angels, and my vigil that night was finishing the book. i read it until about 6 and took a similar walk to the bay. tori was so much in my brain that my ritual that evening was kissing a rose on every bush in the rose garden, mixing "kiss the violets as they're waking up" and "and i smell the roses" in my head. like that night, i really wanted to strip down naked but again, it was too cold.

*listening to: "whenever" - beth orton*
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