*fresher john (what i thought the song "pressure job" was saying when i was little.) 2002-05-12 2:10 a.m.*

turdfaced monkeylicking asstasting bunnyfucking craptastic shitfarting hineypoking world!

GRRRRR!

and the thing is that really there is nothing wrong, except for the whole "let's see how many random emotions we can pour into the nesrop and see how long it takes before she blows. 'cause you know, it's her birthday (was) and so she's kind of weirded out about being 22, and all that grown up shit, and is she as far as she should be in this life game, and then there was queer ball, and once again, her act got a firm 3rd, and someone other than malraux did "i touch myself" and how dare they, and i love the people in my performance so much and we rocked so hard and i don't want to be bitter that the person who did win has made me cry in the past and that he's the most frustrating person on the planet, but dammit i wanted to be king for once, every year it's that whole "you should have won," and yes that's nice and i'm glad that i did it anyway, but you know what, i sort of really wanted to win. i've done that 3 years in a row, i've taken my shirt off for you people, i've gotten songs in my head for you people, what more do you want!!!! and then there's the whole yes it's two weeks before the end of the year and i'm not graduating and i know that doesn't mean that i suck, but sometimes it feels like i do (if your keeping track, the word "suck" is where i first started to cry in this entry. until then i just stared the computer down stonily), i don't want to be here anymore, i've got a life to live, and i know there's so much fulfillingness that could happen here, but i'm so antsy, i've been in sarasota forever, take me away from this place, away to your goblin city or some shit, and there's that, too, no one to take me away, i hugged so many people tonight and gave a lot of my patented shoulderkisses, and that was good, and i love so many people so much, but with all my pissiness and my urge to yell at the world, i wanted someone's arms to collapse into, because i'm tired and lonely and sad right now, and it was my birthday and there are no guestbook entries about that, which makes me sad, which is a dumb reason to be sad, but you know what it's my diary, and i'm not always this miserable, but it's been a long day, and i haven't slept and i'm going to bitch for awhile, and i don't know why i'm apologizing, because everyone has left already, which is all well and good, because i'm doing this for me, i'm writing this to get all those pent up things out of my system, because tonight i feel like a bottle of soda that has been shaken to long, and so much of tonight i've been letting out that telltale threatening fizzing sound, but this is that point where it pops and there's foam going everywhere, drink me up, my bitches, and yeah, as i said i'm lonely, and my birthday did not live up to what birthdays can be, and i know that's not the end of the world, but right now i'm thinking birthdays should be outlawed because they only let you down and therefore they suck and my feet stink and i need all the hugs in the world tonight and i don't want everyone to go away in two weeks, and i don't want to stay any longer and i want something exciting and beautiful to happen right now, which is probably the saddest thing for me right now, because things have not seemed exciting and beautiful in so long, am i that tired and jaded that i can't see the wonder in the every day? this is why i'm sad this is why i'm pissed the fuck off this is why everything feels wrong because i have become hypersensitive and yet at the same time unaware, everything is wrong and nothing is right, and i know that that is not the truth but i can't shake it, i can't get back to where i once was where every day could be good, i wake up expecting the worst and this is not where i want to be at 22, i want my wings to work again instead of feeling like heavy hindrances to life, please hug me, i'm sorry i'm so sad and needy right now, it's just that, did i mention it was my birthday, 'cause it was and i got all hyped up like i do, and then i had to be in charge of things and so many people got mad at me and i got the shakes really bad and i felt like a stud by the way, after i forgot to look in the mirror and just went with the imaginary me in my head 'cause he's way hotter than the me actually is right now, even though we both have sliced up jeans and a homeboy shirt, and you know who gave me a hug that made me moan in relaxation as my back felt like it was popping back into place? mit. it was good, i needed that, thank you, and i mean everyone's hugs were good, and yes i feel apologetic though i know i shouldn't be, and i think more than being disappointed with yesterday is my disappointment in my reaction to yesterday, 'cause it wasn't worth that much energy and also my disappointment with myself yesterday, but whatever, here i am and it's 2:31 and i'm in jennifer connelly's room and i want to go to bed, and i want to dance and i want to go to bed and i want to stop crying and i want things to be okay and i want to not have to open a vein for this diary every now and again, but look, here it is, i feel better already.

have a good night.

*listening to: *
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