*every shiny penny of pleasure. 2001-05-22 6:42 p.m.*

i spend a lot of time trying to forget that i am my father's daughter. and then there are times when it comes and kicks me in the ass.

i am a selfish hedonistic girl. which, yeah, i can deal with. i mean, i'm not even necessarily saying that the latter at least is a completely bad thing. it's definitely something i got from my dad.

i wonder if his joys were ever so intense as mine. i know that we experience pain a lot the same way, but i think i've *laughs* escaped the escapism that has been such a big part of his life.

i can deal with problems. sometimes i try and push them away for awhile, but i don't drown myself in chemicals to make things feel better at the expense of other people. i just wait a bit until i'm ready to deal with things.

i've been feeling just sort of off for the past few days and i wish i could pinpoint why. i mean, there are plenty of reasons why i could feel off. the whole not knowing what my plans for the summer are going to be after having had them planned for like a month, the whole end of the year, people leaving, getting all my work done thing, the whole starting a relationship and what the hell is going to happen over the summer and having sex and the intensity of that and figuring out that damn i am insatiable while other people seem to like to sleep, and the whole weird sleeping patterns i've been having, and i'm sure the moon and my hormones are fucking me up in some ways too.

part of me is revelling in the drama, honestly, and that bothers me. but i do write well when i'm pissed, etc. (pissed=angry not drunk) and i feel sharpened in some ways. but i hate being so prickly. so prickly as in feeling invisible prickles so prickly as in sending out my own prickles. i don't like prickles (i do however like pickles and my mom sent me a happy international pickle week card today).

my life is not hard, but part of me seems to be pretending it is, and getting injured at unnecessary things and just feeling very raw, and i don't like it.

i'm sorry to anyone (especially james) who has been at the brunt of my pissiness. kick me or something. (or actually just kiss me. right now, i feel like, when in doubt, kiss me.)

*listening to: *
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