*and i claim i'm not in love. 2001-06-13 1:07 a.m.*

i ask myself dumb questions like how did i come to deserve the most amazing girl in the world. and it's dumb because it's not a question of deserving. i don't know what it's a question of though. and it fills me with awe and wonder. that this girl exists and that she cares about me. that i am her imperfect angel, her dorky princess, her me. her me who she loves despite because despite because despite because she knows me. and sometimes missing the warmth of her body (like she misses the warmth of my body) almost drives me to despair. sometimes the loss of me in this summer boredom that i call my brain frightens me to the point that i worry that she's lost me, too. sometimes i fear that i will trumpet my joy too loud and some being will be jealous (the old testament god that is still a part of my psyche?) and it will all have been some dream. and i will be silly me, writing letters from england to my friends here asking them to tell me about the cute girls. sometimes my love for her leaks out of my eyes and down my face and down my chin until it drops on my thigh (which is different from velvet's thigh). and part of me is soaring and part of me is aching and part of me feels so so peacefulgoodcontentinherexistence. and of course my biggest problem (we all know this) is that i don't trust myself nearly enough. and new college feels like my crutch of self-trust in some ways. especially when i'm home and lost in self-doubt. but i was fine in england. independence suits me. i wrote in the secret journal today, about how my mom sees an apathetic me and thinks that's who i am. but that is only me when i don't trust me. and it's hard to trust me when i'm doing what i didn't think i'd ever have to do again, when i'm searching for a job, when everytime i have a glowing idea, my mom looks at me and i feel like my living father reincarnate. what does it mean that when i asked the cards why i must make my mother the enemy, i got the empress? but that was not the point. the point was not to dwell on the sad that hits me when i think i've finally figured out how to avert it. the point was to try to explain why i love my love. maybe tomorrow i will go into verbose raptures about all the reasons why i love my jennifer connelly or my michael or my mom or my bar koch bah princess ferocious kitten. because there's lots for them too. but i love my love because she is who she is. to be read 2 ways. i love who she is. and i love that she does not pretend to be someone else. she is blatantly herself, and that is one of the most attractive and beautiful things in the world. to be read two ways. it is one of the most attractive and beautiful things in the world to be oneself, completely. and she is one of the most attractive and beautiful things in the world. and i don't just love her because she writes sweetnesses about me. and i don't just love her because she can reach down into my hurts and soothe them. and i don't just love her because she loves me. i love her because she is so serious. and because she is so silly. and because she is so full of love for the world. and because she is so smart in that way that she understands so many things and that's as vague as saying she's smart like refreaka is smart, but it's inarticulable. and because she has blue beautiful her eyes.

*listening to: *
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