*ignorance is the ance of ignore. 2002-05-16 12:29 p.m.*

i just dumped my kitten from my lap. she attacked me as soon as i started typing. now she's looking up at me and she's being cute and i want her back up on my lap but i know that would not be wise. i've had my kitten for over a year now. that's very strange. she used to be so tiny and now she's a little chubby.

i let my 1 year entry go by without too much written nostalgia. but i'm coming upon my 500th entry, and i'm thinking that'll be the time for it. today's a day where some of it's in my head, but it's all cranky shit. like why isn't it like it was a year ago why aren't i like i was a year ago why was this year how it was why?

it's the time of year where i believe that if i'd tried harder i would have been able to not take this semester off, i would have graduated and i'd be done now and i could leave. i could pack up my things and go far away to a new place that's not ugly in the way that sarasota is ugly. i've been so annoyed by sarasota lately. i've lived here almost my whole life. a lot of the time i loved it, but i mean, i was little, and my only other recognizable option was the village of rothschild in wisconsin. and i feel like it is getting uglier and yuckier, but who knows if that's real or me just noticing things that i didn't notice when i was 7 years old.

that's what i was going to write about last night that i couldn't remember. my discussion with michael in the car about the ways that sarasota is ugly. it's ugly because of the way it ignores its other parts. god knows i love the eclectic, but this just seems like each of the buildings is squinching its eyes up and going "la la la" with its hands over its ears at the other buildings. it doesn't work for me. i want out.

of course, yes, i'm really really excited about living with james and laurel tree and jennifer connelly next year. we will have good times, i know it, and it won't be out in sarasota proper, so i can squinch my eyes and say la la la as much as i want. but yeah, as so many other people are graduating right now, i get a little sad. i know that i did what i needed to do, and in 10 years i don't think it'll make much difference to me, but right now, as i face a summer here and a fall here and it's so hot right now, and for a good portion of that not a lot of people i know are even going to be around, i want to run away to cities that are not here and see how long i can play pretend that i am a grown up.

and now the entry has come full circle... my kitten just jumped on my lap... and jumped off. how deep.

*listening to: *
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