*i'm dappled and drowsy and ready for sleep. 2001-10-29 11:55 p.m.*

i bought the last bits of my halloween costume tonight. the boys and laurel tree and i went to the desoto mall. yay bradenton! but it was all in all a good time, and i now have a completed halloween costume.

i'm completely on top of my orientalism reading, and managably behind in buddhism and greek. and the thesis has a definite direction these days, and i feel like i can read through this book 2 times and then be able to do some writing. can you believe it?

things are becoming easier, though it's so hard to just change one's frame of reference. from saying all the time, "we can work through this," to "i have to stop wanting to work through this. it's finished." that's rough. it seems so much easier for her. it sucks to be the person who was broken up with. i still can't help but think what could i have done more, what was wrong with me, why wasn't i enough, and did i suddenly become the most unattractive person ever, or was i always that and it just got realized.

of course, ave continues to hit on me, so i guess i'm attractive to some. and i'd consider it if it weren't for peanuthead funk. just... *shudders* the places that boy must have been. and i mean, i'm certain he would want to be involved in some way.

but sometimes, i just sit and think about a butterfly landing on my forehead, fluttering lightly and taking off again. jennifer connelly and number one might understand. catnipboy certainly would.

and still, there are parts of me that still don't totally belong to myself just yet. i shower twice a day now, and twice a day i am very aware of the existence of the backs of my knees. and i still cry when i touch myself. i will get over it, but as i said, it's hard to change one's frame of reference. my hands can no longer pretend to be hers or else they will go mad.

but we can all have hope. my nails are now short again.

*listening to: *
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