*and if i had the chance i'd ask the world to dance. 2002-04-20 2:48 a.m.*

i'm very irritable right now. tonight has pissed me off in this way i'm not comfortable with. where my discomfort at my reaction is stronger than my reaction to the actual events themselves.

tomorrow, for every hour i might work over my usual 5 hours i get an extra hour of pay, so i'm thinking i may go in at 10 for that extra $54 that those 3 hours would give me. but i wish i'd know going out would be so unsatisfying, because i just would have stayed at home. i mean, no, it wasn't that bad, i just was SOOO pumped for fun times, and then, they just weren't so fun.

after work, michael and i went to rent movies and after getting very disgruntled by the options we discovered the existence of not only just one of the girls but just one of the guys. and then we got distracted by applebee's before making it back to campus. i ordered a peach daquiri, but it had salt on the rim and tasted just like the peach margarita i had last time we went, but they charged me for a daquiri that's cheaper than a margarita, so it's not so bad, really. but tequila hit me in that way that tequila does, where i am full of excitement and, shall we say, expectation, and i just really wanted to play and party and do wild and crazy things. 101.5 did not lessen the mood, and i found myself playing drums on the ceiling and waving my hands out the window and singing along raucously. so looking forward to fun on campus.

but the wall seemed nonexistent, and the party in the crotch did not appeal. after we discovered that there were brownies at the party, it seemed more appealing, but once we got there we discovered they were all gone, and so i got all pissy because i felt trapped and unhappy, and wishing i had a room to chill in, rather than this constant desire for on campus excitement whenever i am there. so i dramatically threw myself on one of the weird plasticy faux wood benches by the tennis courts and whined and moaned until blackbird and totally welsh came by and asked if we wanted to crash a ca d'zan party. so we went along, and i was quite taken by the moon, and really wished i wasn't just wanting for more, because i think if i'd been less hyper and dancey i would have enjoyed the peacefulness of the night more. and i mean, it was a fun time, and all that, but not quite meshing with the mood i was in. like having free pizza offered when what you really want is chocolate. and you know, pizza is good and you like pizza, but oh god, do you want chocolate right now. that was the mood i was in.

so yeah, then i came home, and i just feel like the night was all wrong. which makes me feel really bad, because i had good company and stuff, but it wasn't the atmosphere i wanted to be in.

however, there are tales of a lesbian club with a pajama party on the morrow, so perhaps that will be part of the fun. after, you know, i work 8 hours and then shop for dance costumes.

why am i so bloody whiney? i feel like that's all i talk about these days are all the ways life is unsatisfying. i found myself pining last night for the sense of urgency and awe that i've had in the past, and questioning whether i'd ever really be so excited by life again. life isn't bad, just unexciting. the most exciting things lately are the fantasies i've been building in my head-- of places other than here, doing things i'm not doing. have i ever been this dissatisfied, especially with this concurrent feeling of how i should be satisfied?

give me some beautiful excitement. none of that stomach churning stress headache inducing nervous tragic excitement of last semester. am i grown up or just jaded and where does the difference come in or is jaded just childish pretending to be grown up?

dance with me.

*listening to: *
<<< | >>>

*<<<<<* *<<* *<* | *>* *>>* *>>>>>*
*random* *list*