*it's harder than a heartbreak still. 2004-02-27 12:31 p.m.*

i'm in big time nostalgia mode, but i don't know for what. there's just a big sense of pining for something that was, in everything i do. i think it's the postal service doing it. the way that was my first month in seattle, the way it was playing everywhere i went and i got the album, and i was new and fresh, and smiled at everyone.

yesterday i smiled at someone and she smiled back and said hello. this doesn't happen as much as it used to. i miss it. i miss feeling genuine in my skin.

hopefully i'll get the job i interviewed for yesterday. it's just a little tourist trap, but oh, it's got pirates, and oh, silly me, i've missed retail. i've missed people coming in and out and finding things and me smiling at them and having dorky conversations.

i am not sure where to talk about any of this, but my cunt has been dry since. and last night i masturbated for the first time since. and it was weird and methodic and the release was just a release. after i cut myself it made sense that i'd have to get used to my hands and my body again, because that was what did it, but now, that distance is back.

i eat sewp and drink juice because that is being small. and that is even being small in your bed when i felt so comfortable and taken care of. and i miss that.

i miss things.

*listening to: the postal service*
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