*reclaiming october. 2003-10-12 11:45 p.m.*

i think they're going away, and i think it's going to go down, and i think i may have to be an asshole. i'm doing a good enough job as it is right now, or at least i feel like i am, so i might as well go all the way, right?

but tomorrow this may all change.

(i don't want you in my bed because i don't know what to do but fuck you anymore.

i didn't like you to start with, i just let my lust whisper your worthwhileness to me.

except you see great beauty in me that other people have missed and i've needed that validated.

he says, "and i'm only saying this because i just got out of a codependent relationship, and i'm seeing a lot of me in this, but she sounds very codependent." when i mention my worries about you, he says, "maybe you're codependent on each other?"

bah.

not supposed to be like this.

i crave a relationship. then this wouldn't feel so trappy and wrong. not with you. but just... i want closeness of that variety.... where it's not about being anyone else's self-esteem, and just about the coziness.)

tomorrow i'm sitting down with my supervisor and saying, "i'm being reborn." i spent a long time tonight looking at the legalities of such tonight. and tomorrow i will be brave, little one.

thank you for all you've been. (and i'm talking to you from tonight, and you two down there goodbye, and you across the ocean, and you with your people things, and you wee fluff one insisting that eating cords is what you need to do right now... and you.)

*listening to: *
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