*shards. 2003-08-31 6:42 p.m.*

every day is a shattering. and that's good. it keeps me on my toes. i'm strangely fierce most moments these days. i take no shit. then i take some shit and it breaks me. was my strength in my ability to take shit? am i weaker now that i can say, "fuck you, i don't need this crap?" because now, the moment it starts, i feel like i'm breaking. my taking shit muscles are getting lost and it's making me realize just how much strength it takes to just take it day after day. even though i'm still sweet, i'm still gentle, i'm still painfully shy. it's just that suddenly i've realized life is too short to eat myself up over not stomping all over myself enough, thanks.

every day is a shattering. every day i look at myself in the mirror and i'm seeing myself for the first time. when i was 17 my counselor was shocked when i told her that, yeah, no, i never looked in the mirror really. i was always shocked that that being was, me and always startled by mirrors on other people's walls and trying to process who that person on the other side is. it got better a little after high school. i figured out how to dress or something so that at least i knew the clothes were mine, if not the face, if not the ways of movement. and now suddenly, suddenly, i am watching myself in every mirror, because the disconnect is reconnecting and as all these old bits shatter, i'm coming into myself.

perhaps.

every day is a shattering. every day i get a splitting headache and go to bed before 10. every day i spend as much as i can in the sun, because i know this is a place where the quantities of sun are limited. but sadly, i am allergic to the outdoors. and so my head shatters.

and my self shatters.

and my heart shatters.

and i grow.

*listening to: *
<<< | >>>

*<<<<<* *<<* *<* | *>* *>>* *>>>>>*
*random* *list*