*i'm here to tell you something you already know. 2003-02-08 12:57 p.m.*

today was wall signups. it's at 1, which is coming up. i set my alarm for 9:30, to get there around 10, so i could get the time that i wanted. and then my alarm went off and the snooze went off and i started thinking.

i've been thinking about this wall a lot lately, actually, even, like advertising it and stuff. and i was thinking about how much i want to get people there because they believe that it's going to rock. and then i've been trying to think of how it's going to rock, and one of the things that's been going on in the back of my head, sending me into mild lethargic panics, has been the slow realization that really i've done all i want to do. as far as walls at least. though i think it's a bit more far-reaching than that. i think this is where my apathy for the drag show comes along, too. i've been here my 4 years, this is just extra stuff. and it feels so extraneous and i feel so away from it all. and the thing is i don't feel like trying to shove myself back. maybe it's the cold, the one that is making living in any kind of dynamic or interesting way seem so hard and just not worth it, that's responsible for this feeling of trying to have gone home again while i'm still here, and realizing that i just can't, that this place isn't mine anymore, and i want to find a place that is.

my thesis seems so doable and dealable these days. but do i ever touch it? no. i think about how close i am to getting it done and read lemony snicket or watch endless episodes of buffy, and snifflesniffleSNIFFFFFFLE. today my upper right teeth have begun to hurt whenever i sniffle or blow my nose or do anything with any force involving my right nostril. this seems to prove to me that my cold is not done, and what i should be doing, rather than half coddling it and half trying to push myself and go to class and all that stuff, is to just rest, because trying to push on ahead is just not letting it go.

i feel like death and it's starting to overtake everything. i'm not sure if this apathy is what happens to people when they realize they're leaving, if it's only what happens to 5th years, or if it's this stupid cold and once i'm well, in like 8 years, i'll regret it.

i feel no regret about this lack of a wall thing, thus far.

*listening to: "sister moonshine" - supertramp*
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