*she fell in love in the first place. 2003-02-01 2:52 a.m.*

yeah... i feel like i should post about the trip here, but i already did on lj and i kind of don't want to do the cheerful thing right now. i mean, yeah, it was good, but there's a certain kind of sadness that came out of the trip that i keep kind of avoiding and i'd rather just avoid writing about it at all than trying to prove that it was worth going and that it was a good time.

the thing is that it was a good time and it was fab and wonderful and she's fun and amazingly beautiful and our friendship and comfort level with each other is grand. but there's a sadness that comes with kind of officially giving up on the possibility of a relationship with someone.

i've had a three-fold funk going on since getting back, which is combined with some serious sinus action that's making me grumpy both because sinusness makes me irritable and because it makes it hard to hear which makes me irritable. but yeah... the givingupness of yet another crushdreamstufflandness is rough. this is combined with a vicious attack of the "i look atrocious and fat"s whenever i look in the mirror. it's hard because i lost a lot of weight this summer but not as much as i would have liked, but then i got in a funk and stopped working out or caring, but meanwhile my roomies have all gotten skinnier and skinnier and it makes me feel really really yucky. i'm trying to figure out how to lose weight without going back to eating one meal a day which i promptly puke up, because i'm teetering on the edge of that, i can feel it. i don't like that game. and i don't fucking like the game where when i lose weight, it immediately goes out of my breasts.

so yeah, i've got this compoundedness of feeling alone and unattractive... and then i just keep having these huge waves of dad missingness. at the most unexpected times. like, it's become the ridiculous thing in my head that i can't talk to him. like, it has stopped computing and i try and figure out some sort of loophole.

so yeah, i'm irritable as fuck these days, but if you want to hear a happy account of the trip, check out my livejournal, and while you're at it check out my rad moodicons.

*listening to: amelie goodness.*
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