*everything is sacred, and nothing is as sacred as you want it to be. 2002-11-02 1:22 p.m.*

it's been really really hard. i'm not sure at all how to process it. there's so much. i've cried a lot. and when i'm not crying it's because i'm surrounded by people who are distracting me and i love them for it, but then when i go back to crying, i don't understand how i could have been laughing and smiling before, and i feel very tired from it. like the effort was too much. even though it didn't feel like an effort. just heart survival.

i've got lots of people taking care of me. like, there hasn't been a time yet when i've broken down and not been able to have someone hold me. thursday night james let me sleep in her bed, and then last night alongcamea cuddled with me until she needed to go to her own bed because she was sleepish. even people who don't know what's happened, like young jesus, just will hold me while i cry and sigh and stuff. it's weird when i find out that people do know, when i didn't tell them, and the first words out of their mouths are, "i'm sorry for your loss." like, part of me just wants things to be okay. like... i want people to know, so they understand why i'm acting the way i am, and if i need them, they can cuddle with me, but i don't want to make their lives different, i don't want to make them feel like they have to say these things that you say when someone has lost someone that they love.

and yeah, i loved him. i love him. that's not past tense. i had this horrible moment yesterday when i was telling someone about something that my dad "likes" and then, it hit me that it wasn't in the present tense. so after a silence i just said, "was. not is."

but yeah, love. lots of love. lots of heartbreaking love, and watching him hurt so bad. like, my brain has been split between two things lately. part of me is like, "it's for the best. there's this great relief now. he's at rest." but then it will hit me that i just won't ever hear from him again. today, i almost started sobbing when i realized that he had never seen the royal tenenbaums which i've been recommending to him for forever and that i know he would have loved. and then james and i went to peach's, and i had a coffee, and after the first sip, i thought about how much he loved coffee, and how we used to go out for breakfast all the time when i was little, and how he'd never go with me to peach's. and i had to shake all that off or else i would have been this bawling mess on the middle of the floor.

and then... yesterday, when mom came to visit, she says that at grandma's, his drum set is still set up. it's the first thing you see. and then she had said how he had been in so much pain that he could hardly play. which reinforces the idea for the best. but then it hit me.

my dad's life had gotten so miserable that it's better that he's dead.

goddammit, what the hell!?

um... yeah... so... it doesn't look like it was suicide. what it looks like is he got his settlement from the accident last winter and bought drugs to celebrate.

god fuck it. and i don't know, but i think maybe his mom found him, which... god. when we talked like human beings that one time a few months back, she blamed herself a lot for where he was. and then... god. finding your son dead.

it hurts so bad.

*listening to: *
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