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*the beautiful girls who are shyly brave. 2001-11-04 10:34 p.m.*

i just sneezed, and now i'm feeling very sinusy. but yo, i'm spending the nigth in my room so it will probably clear up soon.

my room is in such horrible shape right now. it needs cleaning, books put on shelves, garbage taken out, clothes put in the laundry, bathroom floor swept, all that stuff. but i'm lazy, and i'm just glorying in actually being here, before the magic goes and i want to go away again.

i'm listening to liz phair: exile in guyville. i'm so obsessed with this cd right now. and "fuck and run" just ended, which anyone who knows me knows i'm inordinately obsessed with.

gar! i just sneezed again.

anyway... last night was halloween pcp. i thought it was really good. it didn't feel quite so claustrophobic and crazy as a lot of pcps have in the past, though it did have it's moments. i was angela chase from my so-called life, and it was fun having people try to figure out who i was, and particularly exciting when people actually knew who i was supposed to be, or when they didn't know i was me under my wig.

i was a little down pre-pcp and i'm still not exactly sure why. and i'm still not entirely up, but dancing around and playing with people helped my mood a whole awful lot. james looked really good, both in a sexy "damn, girl!" kind of way, and in a "more james than i've seen her in a long time" as jennifer connelly said. it was really cool, because i was rubbing her shoulders at this one point, and i realized it was basically unnecessary, because she was so not tense. it was sort of hard at times but at the same time, it was just so great to see her so happy and good. i like to see her well. i've missed that more than anything.

i've realized that there's this chunk of me that still doesn't actually believe that we're not together anymore. i'm not entirely sure how to deal with it. it's not even a wholly bad thing, it's just this part of me that has to ask the rest of me how comfortable i can be. because i could have very easily fallen into a nice cuddle in that blurry place between together and not together, i felt so comfortable with her, but well, there's the question of whether she could have fallen into that same cuddle, and the fact that i knew it just wasn't wise considering how beautiful she was. it was one of those times where things felt so nice, but a part of you secondguesses whether they should be so nice, why they're so nice, if they're actually nice, etc.

and i laurel tree and i have basically stopped cuddling altogether and that's odd, but we've still been pretty talkative with each other. i feel like i'm very much just watching my life move in sort of waves, and i'll just sit here and ride them and try not to get too emotionally distraught.

so today, i'm just feeling contemplative and slow. my back hates me, but really i'm not in a bad mood. a little low, but not really sad. and i've done some work, kids. i think i will shower and try to do more. oh, and i have groceries! yay for ex-girlfriends who let people borrow their cars, and friends who need groceries too, and said friends and ex-girlfriends who you can buy sweets and flowers for.

*listening to: *
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