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*i don't wanna be no man's woman. 2001-05-16 10:14 a.m.*

last night i got into bed and wrote until i fell asleep. i slept with the lights on and the glasses off but in bed with me. the last 2 sentences and the signature were written after a small little nap. when i did sleep (with my lights on, etc.) it was one of the best sleeps i've had in a very long time. and then i woke up and there was a kitten at my feet and my blankets felt like you and so i woke up missing you despite the fact that we're across the road from each other.

the note was not even what i'd meant to say when i'd decided i'd wanted to write a note on the walk back to b-dorm. really the only thing that i was thinking about that made it into the letter was the first paragraph. and then i started rambling for awhile, and then i wrote you stuff i'll think you'll appreciate, and then i wrote stuff that i hope isn't misinterpreted, though i think it could be, though i don't think by you it could be. but i'm way nervous now, and part of me wants to be there when you read it and part of me wants to be miles away.

it seems like after that... it will seem coarse or something to wax poetic and thoughtful about diaryland once again. it is way weird to have this whole "writing for an audience" thing. what i mean for myself is writing my personal thoughts to a specific audience as i've written them to an audience before. i still try to make things interesting to a general reader as well, and also a lot of this is a me who's been trained not to care about readership. i do somewhat, but at the same time, and i know no one is going to believe this, i don't write about anything in this journal to show how brave and bold i am, or to cause any kind of "oh my god, she wrote about that." kind of things, because i know that i'm not scandalous or shocking in the least. i'm just this girl, with this kitten and this girl and some issues and lots of happy, and a weird exhibitionist need to write about them.

i'm an xnfp, and i think that explains for me at least this whole diaryland fascination. i internalize a lot of things, and i think a lot about how i feel about things, and i spend a lot of time in contemplation, blah blah blah, but at the same time, i love to tell people about it. i love to think about how i feel and i love to talk to people. and this is a way that i can talk to people without actually having to be around them. it's the opposite of how i've gotten at parties sometimes. at parties i like to sit and look at people, and not necessarily interact, but soak in the energy. i'm not some sort of energy vampire or anything, but you know...

i used to be "big on the penpalling circuit" when i was younger. i think this is related. telling people various facts about myself without ever knowing them.

mutantwomen's entry about how people don't know what they sound like is very interesting to me, because i'm fascinated about how i must sound like to others. if i sound young and naive or ironic and wise. i think i'm kind of all 4. i'm making fun of myself a good chunk of the time. it's like this skirt that i have that i call my ironic skirt, because it's the type of clothes i would never actually wear, but i do, and i love it. i know i say dumb stuff and silly stuff, and i wonder if my tone of voice reads at all in this, because so much of what i say is so full of what i mean and what i don't mean and things i'd never say but do because they crack me up. basically the point is, i think i'm really funny. and not a whole lot in a vain way like "ha ha, we are the life of the party are we not," but in a like, "you just mixed your metaphors. you just did something pretty silly and i don't think you meant to. you're pretty strange" kind of way. it's not really making sense on paper. on computer. it's just that i'm 12 kinds of goofy, and i think most of that people think i don't know exists, but i think i have a pretty good idea how strange i am. sometimes i think i parody myself.

which now makes me think i might not sound genuine. sure i'm genuine, i just am more aware of how weird i am than i think people think i am.

i don't think i've accomplished anything in the second part of this entry. sorry guys.

*listening to: *
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