*meanwhile, my kitten wants sex. 2001-11-20 12:54 a.m.*

the thing is, as much as the wrongness became apparent, no one else will ever be you. and that is okay, because you still are you, and i'm good with where we are now. but then i have to realign myself to not want those same exact kisses again. i sort of ask myself how it could be a kiss without it being like it was. like with you, i would say to myself, "ah yes, this is a kiss." i sometimes think i redefined my life in terms of "with you". it scares me that it was so easy to do that. that it was so easy to fall into thinking of everything, with you in parentheses. "i am here (and i'm thinking about you). i am me (but i'm thinking of you)." and it was so scary to have to go back to being just here and just me. though that's safest and healthiest i guess. but it was scary, partially because i became aware of how much i'd superimposed you on everything of my life, and it was pretty intense. it scared me how easily domesticated i could be, especially when it wasn't even at your request. sometimes i wonder what that means for me and dangerous relationships with dangerous people. but then i think about how i probably (hopefully) wouldn't get involved with dangerous people, anyway, and i wouldn't trust them in the same way. but anyway, what i'm saying is that it's been hard, and terribly weird, but it's not so bad now. i just wonder how it will be to be with someone who isn't you. i remember a few images of what it was like to be with the exish, all very visual things. and i don't want to forget the moments i treasured with you, but i don't know how to not do that, and still not think of you when i'm with someone else. i feel time healing me by making the memories less intense, and i guess my point is, that kind of sucks.

*listening to: *
<<< | >>>

*<<<<<* *<<* *<* | *>* *>>* *>>>>>*
*random* *list*