*this entry took me 31 minutes to write. 2001-06-01 12:06 a.m.*

i have too many games of tetris, too much day, and too many entries for me to write another one, but hell, i'm going to do it.

i told my mom that michael got me pussy incense for my birthday. i don't know why i told her. i don't know what i was expecting her reaction to be. maybe i just wanted to know what it would be. she said, "you want to be a what when you grow up?" and laughed in that way that she got from her mother, but i dursn't tell her that.

dursn't is a word her mother's mother says.

her mother's mother is still alive.

my mom did not lose her virginity entirely consensually. and it was to a bisexual guy. and i know where the house is. and todd rundgren was on the stereo, which is funny because that bang on the drum all day song is our make fun of dad song.

sex is a weird thing. for my mom more than me. it was a weird thing until it stopped being about a penis and then it turned into this really good thing. and not in the way that it's a good thing for people on television. "there's too much sex on tv" my mom always says. and i agree, but not. i agree that there's too much sex as this dirty covetous thing that is forbidden and weird and crude. it's not. it's this holiness like so much else in the world is this holiness. and i want to tell her that it's okay.

but sex is i think a painful thing for my mom. when she and my father finally got divorced after being separated on and off for 8 years, she told me she was asexual. i asked her if she divided in half to make me. she says i'm the only good thing that came out of that marriage. my dad left a message on her machine once that the only thing they could do well together was smoke pot.

there was this time once when we were in wisconsin and i wanted to go to the library and dad was all excited about driving me, and so i went and i looked around and i got done and i came back to the house and my dad was all weird, and my mom was all relieved. later i found out he'd wanted me to stay at the library longer so that they could have sex, while she couldn't wait for me to get back.

sex always felt like the biggest sin to me. well, not sex maybe, but lust. if your eye causes you to sin, throw it out. or something. no coveting your neighbor's wife or manservant. no adultery. which was translated to sex before marriage. sex was very intriguing to me until i learned the ten commandments. "what's adultery? i don't understand." "sex outside of marriage." so if it's wrong outside of marriage it's wrong before marriage it's wrong it's wrong.

and for a long time i didn't know what masturbation was, though i did it, i remember masturbating when i was 7. and for a long time i didn't know what gay meant, but i asked my dad and i didn't understand how that was different, and i thought to myself "what if i'm gay, wouldn't that teach him?" but i still didn't know what two men or two women could do together (i had this weird image of 2 penises swallowing each other. and i was too scared of what was down there for me to even think what could happen to it besides having something shoved inside of it. for a long time i didn't realize that there was any movement involved. i just thought a boy put his dick inside a girl and they just lay there until they both exploded in ecstasy. i basically lost interest when i realized that there was any thrusting involved. i knew then i would stay a virgin until marriage), and i didn't know what an orgasm was but i looked it up in the dictionary and copied the definition down in my diary.

and there was this thing on tv about how this girl got in trouble for giving out condoms at her high school and they have a clip of her saying that she didn't mean that people should go out and have sex, but if they are going to, they will have a condom. and then they said something like, "and new research shows that she might be correct. will teaching teens about sex lower teen pregnancy?" and my mom and i looked at each other and said, "duh."

i was the one who asked for the sex talk. i was 9. she said things and i said, "i already knew that" so she got impatient with my impatience and stopped, but really i didn't know much. i knew what i'd learned from my friend who was 11 about how making out was putting your hands in your boyfriends pants. and i learned what i'd learned from my dad's dealers' son who we lived with when i was 5-ish, and he told me that you have babies by humping which was when a guy put his dick inside a girl, did i want to get pregnant, dicks taste like chocolate. he was 8, maybe? he fell asleep and i stared at his crotch and undid his zipper and i think i licked his penis and it didn't taste like chocolate, and he woke up and yelled at me.

and i used to be on the online diary discussion list that's part of diarist.net, and there was a discussion about teaching your kids about sex, and there was this woman who honestly believed that if she didn't tell her kids about sex, and they stayed with the "right kids" they wouldn't know about it until they were 13 or 14.

my barbies had heterosexual sex. no lesbian sex. it was always the same. he was 18, she was 17, they waited till she was 18, and on her 18th birthday, they got married and had sex.

the point is that sex is only dirty if you make it dirty. duh. and people are fascinated by it. duh. and i wish i could understand where my mom was coming from about sex. and i wish she could understand where i was coming from about sex.

i think the more she learns about me, the more i puzzle her. but does she really think that me hording myself in my bedroom my sophomore year meant i was happy? she was so shocked when i told her that i hated high school. i felt bad. i felt bad that i was not the chipper cheerful freeforall she took me for. i thought it was pretty obvious. i knew i wanted to die, why didn't everyone else?

i think mom's see what they want to see. duh. it's their self-defense mechanism. maybe their only one. because so much of being a mother is about giving.

my mom is deathly afraid of politics. i think they make her want to cry. can't we all just get along? she was a gymnast in high school but quit when she got good enough to compete. "i wasn't better than anyone else, really." everyone has their own talents. why get special recognition for being better at something. they're probably better at something else than you are.

why call attention to it? why wear t-shirts that say that you're a christian or gay or that you like labrador retrievers, because you might find someone out there who was mauled by a labrador retriever and the shirt will make them uncomfortable. my mom sometimes makes me feel young and rebellious and heartless and naive. my mom makes me feel like i'm not good enough. with all her "you're the best daughter in the world," i never feel able to measure up. it would make her sad if she knew that. see, i don't even believe in myself enough.

for mother's day i wanted to write a mother's day entry and email it to my mom. it was going to be "things i learned from my mother," and the first thing was going to be, "any baby animal, kitten, human, any baby animal, will calm down if you hold it right between your breasts, in that spot where they can feel the heartbeat."

*listening to: *
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